My Infertility Story

By Angie Sonnenberg

We said “I Do” on June 17th, 2017. After the most perfect day spent with family and friends, we headed on our honeymoon to Hawaii and California. We had talked about it previously, but we confirmed it shortly after the wedding, that we were certain we wanted to have children right away. At the time, making that decision together, as a newlywed couple, felt like buying a new car. We were giddy with excitement and we assumed that after a few steps, we’d have our wish. In California, I purchased my first ever pack of pre-natal vitamins, as if that was the first and most important step in this journey. I mean it’s just as easy as an initial check-up with the doctor to get the green light, some prenatal vitamins, and we’d be parents in nine months, right? Isn’t that how this works? I googled apps that would be helpful in the process of starting our family and we were ready for the journey.

27 Days In – 7/14/17: Bummer. The start of a new cycle and our first negative pregnancy month. Ok, we thought, it’s only been a month. Really, no big deal. It was a busy first month as newlyweds, so this was totally acceptable. I mean statistically speaking, 30% of couples conceive in their first month. In my mind, we were the majority since that meant 70% did NOT. Totally normal! I logged the outcome of the cycle in my app and it was on to the next month.

44 Days In – 8/13/17: Dang, another negative pregnancy test. We brushed it off with it only being two months. I mean, we know people who’ve tried a lot longer than this. Patience, Angie. Don’t be greedy. Alright, so I’ve logged enough in my almighty app that it’s starting to recognize my cycle and anticipated dates. This is great! Easy stuff going forward!

58 Days In - 8/27/2017: I Googled tips on increasing fertility and learned that eating healthy, not smoking (that one wasn’t an issue), and not drinking were key factors. Not a problem at all! Not much of a drinker to begin with, my friends and I made our way to Waupaca for a Sunday afternoon lunch, and that would be my last alcoholic beverage in my fertility journey. No big deal. I also picked up my first pack of ovulation predictor kits. Super easy to use – I splurge for the expensive ones because that means they’re guaranteed to work and help this process, right??

76 Days In - 9/14/17: Really, another negative test? We followed the dates on the app, used these expensive tests daily - just like it was recommended! Three months of trying - not bad, right? I mean it’s still only 60% that conceive in the first 3 months. Yes, we aren’t the majority, but 60% is still barely more than half. Patience.

92 Days In - 9/30/17: Knowing that you’re trying to start a family, being only a few months in, and having that be something only you and your spouse knows is somewhat of a thrill. It’s a special connection that you two share – something completely private in your marriage. It’s a weird kind of excitement that felt like a unique bond between Kyle and I. We were a few months into our marriage and of course we were getting the question at least weekly of “when are you going to have kids.” It’s easy to brush it off when you’re still technically only a few months in. This Saturday we had a wedding for some great friends of ours. This would be my first outing in public where you pretend to drink but really aren’t because you and your spouse know that this is THE month. It’s late into the night at this wedding and I’m chatting with a friend who had also gotten married that year and we have a nonchalant conversation about having kids. Her husband asks “vodka and sprite?” to which she replies “yes”. For some reason, I felt relief. Ok, so she was also married this year and she’s not pregnant, because she’s clearly having an adult beverage. See, this is totally normal! As he walks away to get her “alcoholic beverage” she whispers to me “we just found out we are pregnant, but it’s super early, so we aren’t sharing.” My heart did an ever so slight drop. Ok, no big deal. She continues with “the same month we started trying is the same month we found out we were pregnant.” Dang, really?? I do the math – we’re 3.5 months in, feel like we’re following the process as outlined online, and still nothing. That’s ok, because this is OUR month.

111 Days In - 10/19/17: Well it’s another negative. I’m using my ovulation predictor kit correctly and my app is accurately tracking, right? We’re four cycles in and now I’m starting to feel anxious about this journey. I thought pregnancy was easily achievable and now we’ve been trying for 111 days to start our family. This is the month where the thought of this journey starts to become very, very consuming. I’m now starting to worry and though I wish I wouldn’t do it, I start comparing my fertility journey to those of friends and family members. Queue the jealousy and the feeling sorry for myself emotions. I start tallying up all those friends and family members who got pregnant on their first month or after only 2 or 3 months. Stop it, Angie. This isn’t helping. Oh wait, now I’m starting to think about people who weren’t EVEN trying and got pregnant. I’m thinking to myself – how can that even happen?!? To stay positive, I start searching on Etsy for ways to announce to your spouse that you’re pregnant. I find the most adorable onsie that says “Daddy’s Little Hunting Buddy”, along with a matching hat covered in a brown and tan deer pattern. Very fitting for the upcoming hunting season. Here’s to hoping I get to use these items soon!

136 Days In - 11/13/17: I’m feeling good about this month. My ovulation predictor kits seem to be matching perfectly with what my app is recommending. Today I have the tiniest bit of spotting. That’s unusual – it’s a little early for it to be the end of my cycle.

139 Days In - 11/16/17: More spotting. Of course, I google what this could mean. I keep seeing a recurrent theme of implantation bleeding. Is this it?!

140 Days In – 11/17/17: Negative pregnancy test. Ok, it’s still early in this cycle. Stay positive.

141 Days In – 11/18/17: Fleet Farm is running their annual hunting season promotional giveaway where you get a free orange hat if you’re one of the first 500 in line. For absolutely no other reason than to say we did, my friend and I get up super early to see if we can achieve this feat. We do, followed by a nice walk where we get deep into conversation about fertility. See, she has two children, and I knew years ago that her journey wasn’t the easiest. She had a miscarriage and also struggled to get pregnant when it felt like every other friend around her was announcing their pregnancy. I picked her brain on recommendations and really tried to understand what she went through and how she eventually went on to have her two healthy sons. As I dropped her off at her house that morning, our orange hats in the dash, I sobbed. I told her how my mind seemed to be consumed with trying to get pregnant and how it was hard to come to terms with being one of the only friends in our group who didn’t have children (yes, I completely understood that the three year olds they had were a result of them being married much earlier than I had, but it didn’t help the jealousy that I felt). I felt like I was being “left behind.” I also felt incredibly selfish. I told her how I fully realized that we had only been trying for five months, but having a child was something so incredibly dear to my heart. I felt guilty for having these feelings of desire when there were women who have tried for years and years and years and still haven’t conceived. I admitted how I couldn’t help feeling the way that I did, and in her completely unselfish fashion, she validated my feelings. Looking back now, I realize even more how amazing of a friend she is.

145 Days In - 11/22/17: It’s that time of year again – Hunting Season. When I first came to Clintonville, I learned immediately that this week in November was critical to any man’s pride. Kyle was no different. I had the utmost understanding that from November 18th through November 26th , the almighty deer gun season, I may or may not see my spouse at all. He’d come and go for food and snacks and a few hours of sleep and then it was back to the tree stand or “buck camp” at a buddy’s house. That’s fine I thought, even though this was THE week to see if the past thirtysomething days were a success. Today is Wednesday of gun season in Wisconsin. Kyle decides to take a morning off from hunting and asks if I want to do our morning truck ride to scope out the deer activity in the nearby fields that we oftentimes do. I tell him sure, but first … on my own and in private, I want to secretly test. As I had done a half dozen times before, I secretly take my pregnancy test. I took the test, put it aside, and sat down. A minute and a half later, I look over the and in the boldest, clearest letters it says “pregnant.” I do a half head spin and whisper quietly “oh s*it!” – like the most exciting and enthusiastic, yet shocked, “oh s*it” you’ve ever heard. It worked, it really worked! I’m pregnant! Ok, ok Angie, contain yourself. Get yourself together for this truck ride as you scheme how you’re going to announce the news to Kyle who is, by this time, already waiting in the truck (like usual) for me. I get in the truck and he has a hot chocolate waiting for me. What a sweet gesture, I think … then my mind already starts running a million miles a minute as I wonder “does hot chocolate have caffeine in it… I can’t drink caffeine, right?.... how do I pretend to drink this so he doesn’t feel bad!?!” Yeesh - already thinking like a pregnant lady after only minutes into this realization … this is going to be a breeze (queue eye roll). We finish our scouting of the neighborhood deer, and I jet inside as soon as we return home. We are in the midst of a remodel in our basement, so Kyle is going to do some work down there before heading to the woods. I excitedly grab the onesie I had ordered weeks ago, the matching hat, and the positive pregnancy test, and I set it on the kitchen counter. I set up my phone to record his reaction and I head downstairs to tell him I need him to come up and look at something. He reluctantly follows me upstairs and walks right past the announcement! Really … really?!? I redirect him back to the kitchen counter and give him a minute to process. His reaction is still engrained in my head today. Beyond thrilled, we start our pregnancy journey together at that moment.

146 Days In – 11/23/17: Well, Google says it’s time to call and set up your first ultrasound appointment and visit with the OB. Goodness, I haven’t even considered who to use or where to go. I nonchalantly text my sister and ask her who is going to deliver her son in a few days (she was due any day now with her second child). She told me and I immediately call to set up an appointment with that clinic (her doctor wasn’t available on the very first date I was eligible to go, so I chose to go with an OB that many of my friends had previously used). We were confirmed for our first ever ultrasound on Friday, December 15th . This date will mark 8 weeks of pregnancy for us.

161 Days In - 12/8/17: If you thought hiding the secret with only your spouse that you were fully committed to starting a family was exciting, the actual secret of actually being pregnant is a million times more phenomenal. Cute comments and innocent white lies to your friends and family that only you and your spouse can comprehend initiates an entirely new level of bonding and excitement. We’ve now known about our blessing for more than two weeks and we haven’t shared our secret with a single other soul. Talk about difficult! Today my friend and I are delivering our annual gifts to the children at our “adopt a classroom” project and in route there she asks me if we’ve had any luck yet. No longer able to hide my excitement I whisper very quietly “we’re pregnant” (as if her 3-year-old and 8-month-old are really going to understand what I’m telling her). As any good friend would be, she’s ecstatic for us! I feel relieved that I was able to share with an outsider.

168 Days In - 12/15/17: Today is the day of our first ultrasound. Having the innocence of a first-time pregnancy, we have NO idea what to expect at this appointment. We check-in and see other pregnant women in the waiting room, some with kids and some without. We quietly wait to be called in. When it’s our turn, we learn that this is going to be a full ultrasound, so I anxiously get ready and wait for the ultrasound tech. The scan goes beautifully and we get to see our little baby moving around on the screen. The tech measures the heartbeat and tells us it’s 167 BPM. Having no clue, I ask, “is that good?” She responds, “that’s pretty perfect.” Awesome! Now it’s time to meet with a nurse and then the doctor for guidance on how to navigate our pregnancy. Kyle rolls his eyes as I pull out my pen and paper with all of my questions. One by one, we make our way through the questions as the most patient nurse ever treats us like we’re the only patients in the entire clinic for that entire day. Her responses were so reassuring and confident, and I felt a sense of relief as we walked out that day. I felt equipped and ready to grow our baby. Our 12-week appointment was scheduled for Monday, January 8th, 2018. Kyle is working out of town during the weeks, so scheduling first thing on a Monday made sense so that he could head to work immediately after. August 1st, 2018. That would be our due date for our first baby.

170 Days In – 12/17/17: It’s our annual tree-hopping event with our friends today. I’m plotting out how I’m going to “act” like I’m partaking in the fun holiday adult beverages, without actually doing so. What a fun game Kyle and I get to play that only us two understand. Us girls are chatting away and our friend who got married in September briefly talks about how her and her husband want/wanted kids right away but how it just hasn’t happened yet. In my heart, I am so thankful that we’ve been blessed with this pregnancy and my heart feels for her as I had been there just weeks before. My other friend who shared the secret with me back in September that she was expecting is also there – about 16 weeks pregnant at this time. A gitty feeling comes over me and I feel propelled to share the news with her – as if I owed her that since she told me weeks before they’d tell others. When she gets up to go to another room, I whisper the good news to her. She is thrilled and we compare due dates, timelines, and our experiences so far. It’s like an immediate bond sharing your secret with another who had just gone through something similar only a few weeks prior. She tells her husband and her husband nonchalantly shakes Kyle’s hand. On the way to the next tree-hopping house, I share with Kyle that I couldn’t contain it any longer, and I let it slip. He doesn’t mind.

177 Days In - 12/24/17: It’s Christmas Eve. The Christmas festivities have officially begun and this holiday season is especially exciting for us, as you can imagine. At this point we are about 9.5 weeks pregnant, and we agree that sharing this special news with our immediate families at Christmas time couldn’t be more perfect. I write a poem that talks about our blessings and how 2017 has been so great to us, and I include a framed photo of our ultrasound (with baby wearing a little red stocking cap). When Kyle’s family gathers around his mom as she reads the poem, tears start falling and hugs start spreading. It’s a great day.

178 Days In – 12/25/17. It’s Christmas Day. We start the morning out with an amazing church service where Kyle and I can once again praise God for our blessing. My whole family is there, and I’m beyond excited to share the news with them in just a few short hours. After service, we make our way back to my parents’ house and it’s FINALLY time to open presents which means it’s almost time to present them with our surprise. Mom reads the poem, Amanda cheats while she’s doing so and reads the last few lines in it and gasps (I whisper “be quiet”) and then the tears and hugs start again. As expected, they are beyond exciting. Whew …. It feels amazing to have this secret shared with our immediate families.

184 Days In– 12/31/17: It’s New Year’s Eve and we are up north with my parents. We head to a local bar to watch the Packer Game, partake in some raffles and some food, and then head home to spend the New Year’s Eve Holiday together – after all, taking it easy is what a pregnant woman should do, right? I’m eating up all the pregnancy feels and living my best life. I feel a stronger sense of confidence, pride, and I, without being conceded, feel a beautiful glow. I’m loving every minute of being pregnant.

186 Days In – 1/2/18: It’s a quiet day and Kyle is home. We head to Menards to get some supplies for the basement remodel that is still going on. As I wait in the truck, I check my pregnancy discussion boards (even after Kyle has asked me multiple times to stop reading them as they tend to put unanswered questions in mind and unnecessary worries in my head) and start reading about miscarriage. Wow – I think, miscarriage is really not anything I’ve ever considered before, nor was I really educated about. Sure, we’ve heard of people experiencing a miscarriage, but you just assume it’s those one in a million chances, right? I do a couple Google searches and learn that once you see a heartbeat at 8 weeks the chance of miscarrying is only about 3%. Whew – that’s a relief. I’m 10 weeks and haven’t experienced any heavy bleeding, so I feel fortunate and optimistic again.

189 Days In – 1/3/18: It’s back to reality as Kyle heads to Eau Claire for his out-of-town work. We had grown accustomed to him being gone during the week days – not ideal, but we could tolerate it. I hated being home alone, but he had been with the company for almost 13 years, so we just always treated it like the norm. With the Holiday Week, it was going to be a short work week and he’d be home in a few days and we’d get to hang out over the weekend again and then see baby on Monday at our 12-week appointment!

194 Days In - 1/8/18: With the naivety of a first pregnancy, we get up and get ready for our 12-week appointment. We had seen a healthy baby at the last ultrasound with a perfect heartbeat, and we were ready to see how baby had progressed at today’s appointment. We drive an hour to our appointment, check-in, and wait. Today is a little different – we’re far enough along that we get to use the doppler that checks for baby over the belly. Having felt incredible the entire pregnancy and no signs that anything was wrong, we looked forward to seeing how our little girl was growing today. Our doctor first did a scan over the belly with the handheld machine - I could see her beautifully on the monitor and I mentioned to the doctor how much bigger she was this time than the last time ... and she responded that that was absolutely what we wanted to see (obvious, I know, but it was a happy moment at that time, and I couldn’t resist). We watched the screen for a few moments longer and I could sense that my doctor was a little tense and almost anxious, so being keenly aware of the situation we were in, I asked her what she was doing. She explained that she wasn’t seeing the blood flow like we should be but that perhaps it was the low quality of the machine we were using so she wanted to get us into the ultrasound room for a full scan. Queue the thousands of posts I had read on my pregnancy discussion boards. My heart sank. I started shaking and fearing the worse. Kyle and I sat there waiting for what felt like hours for a room to become available to us. When we finally got called in for a full ultrasound, my heart was racing. Moments later she delivered the heartbreaking news - no heartbeat. Refusing to believe my baby was already in Heaven, I begged for her to bring someone else in to prove her wrong. She promised me she was certain. It was like the wind was knocked out of me and I had to gasp for air. My heart was breaking in a million pieces and watching Kyle try to accept the news while being strong hurt me even more. My D&C surgery was scheduled for the next morning, and I left trying to grasp how we went from pure excitement and a little bit of naivety, to pure devastation in a two-hour appointment. My world was shattered. To be sensitive to us and the other pregnant/soon to be pregnant couples in the waiting room, we were escorted out a back door, but not before I cried my eyes out in the restroom in that clinic. Kyle pulled the truck up, and we immediately drove to my sister’s house where we had asked my mom to also be waiting. We delivered our devasting news. We drove solemnly, with me crying silently, to also break the devastation to his mom. We returned home and spent the rest of the afternoon – heartbroken – and also scared for the next day. Unable to comprehend what was happening and also anxious about what a D&C entailed, we were lost. We moved through the rest of that day, that evening, and the next morning in a daze. Miscarriage risk at 12 weeks pregnant is a mere 1.7%. Why and how was this happening to us?

195 Days In – 1/9/18: Having not slept all night, this morning was horrendous, to say the least. Horrendous as in laying on the bedroom floor sobbing, unable to stand, horrendous. I was having second thoughts on our decision to do the surgery. Was our baby not ready to be taken from me yet? Am I forcing her out before she was ready by doing this surgery? My mind wouldn’t stop: the guilt, the hurt, the tears. In an effort to ease my pain and my anxiety, Kyle feverishly researched why this was our best option. He shared how women could take weeks or even months for their bodies to recognize that the pregnancy was no longer viable and that the baby had passed. After reassuring myself that this was the best option, we made the hour drive back to the hospital to move forward with the surgery. I checked myself in, and we solemnly sat in the waiting room. Between my heart racing and breaking, I felt like I was going to explode. When they called me back, I could barely walk. I answered the nurse’s questions as she prepped me for surgery – if my responses made sense to her, I’ll never know. Shortly before it was time, Kyle was brought back to say goodbye. I laid on the bed and we waited for my turn. He kissed me goodbye, and as the nurse wheeled me towards surgery, I had the most intense urge to stop her and beg her to bring me back to the room where he was waiting. To say I was second guessing this surgery was a severe understatement. My heart was pounding and I had tears in my eyes. It was as if the nurse felt my pain right then and there. I’ll never forget her. She started sharing with me the journey of her niece who went through something similar but came out stronger and now has healthy, living children. She consoled me and said all of the right things, even without me ever speaking a single word. She wheeled me into the room where the surgery would be conducted. The sterile, unwelcoming feeling of that room, with the brightest white lights you’ll ever see, still haunts me today. That nurse remained by my side the entire time. I will tell you – if she hadn’t held my hand, rubbing her fingers over my IV, I would have walked right out of there. It’s like God sent an angel to be with me that morning and watch over me. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have done the surgery. I sent a letter to the hospital days after my surgery telling the staff what an incredible individual she was. I still think about her and her kindness and generosity that morning. I came out of surgery and was wheeled back in to be welcomed by Kyle, my sister, her daughter, and my mom. I was relieved to be done. Kyle explained that the doctor had come out to talk to him shortly after she wrapped up and mentioned something along the lines of there being difficulties, but he gathered that everything was ok. Amanda, being the supporter she is, admitted she tried to eavesdrop on the conversation to understand what was being said, but she couldn’t quite hear the entire thing. I thought nothing of it. We picked up my pain meds and made our way back home where we’d spend the rest of the afternoon close to each other – comforting one another. I shut down after that. I didn’t want to hear from my friends and only some family I could bare to see. My heart hurt. Those two days changed me forever. Through all of this, I have to think that although we loved her so much even before we ever had the chance to meet her, God managed to love her even more and knew she needed to be with Him. Since then and even today, I pray that our sweet girl feels our love, that she’s strong and healthy and that she feels so blessed. I know that I feel so blessed to be chosen as her mommy. Miscarriage will change a person forever. You can go from the highest high to the lowest low in a matter of seconds, and you will never ever forget those moments. Throughout this experience, I’ve learned a lot of lessons and have had a lot of realizations looking back as it relates to pregnancy experiences. I’ve learned to never ask someone when they’ll have their next baby ... for all we know, they could have been trying for years. I’ve learned to never offer advice to a woman going through something as terrible as a miscarriage unless that advice is sought. I’ve learned to never say, “well at least you know you can get pregnant” when a family or friend shares their miscarriage journey (when I would hear that ... I would think yes, but I wanted to be pregnant with THIS baby). I’ve learned to never compare someone else’s miscarriage to a woman going through a miscarriage ... no two are ever the same and trying to show that someone was further along and went through it doesn’t make the woman in that moment and time feel any better. I’ve also learned to NEVER stop letting someone know I’m thinking about them after they go through a miscarriage. The best thing you can do is just reach out and let a man or a woman who’ve experienced miscarriage know that you’re thinking about them and praying for them. Check in with them and see how they’re doing - even months down the road. That’s all. Let them know that their baby won’t be forgotten - no matter how far along someone was in their pregnancy, it was still someone’s baby. I now know what it feels like to long for something so badly, and I pray always that anyone going through this same experience gets to experience the joy their heart is longing for.

198 Days In – 1/12/18: It’s been 3 days since my surgery. They told me to expect some bleeding after the surgery. I’ve been bleeding heavily all day, with large clots. I ask my sister if she thinks it’s normal and she says it probably is. I try to manage the bleeding and continue with my day. We are remodeling our basement so that is keeping my mind occupied, along with my family coming for a visit. My sister’s daughter is about two and a half years old. She is here today. When we announced our pregnancy at Christmas, my sister explained to her that “Gigi has a baby in her belly.” For the last few weeks, she would always ask me about it and make comments about the baby in my belly. Having no comprehension of what has happened, today was no different. As I’m sitting at my dining room table, I can hear my sister and niece in the bathroom talking. Clear as day my niece asks “Gigi have baby in her belly, right?” to her mom. My heart breaks, and I know it breaks my sister’s heart too, as she cries quietly and says “no hunny, Angie doesn’t have a baby in her belly anymore.” “But why,” my niece asks, confused. My sister goes on to explain that the baby is in heaven now.

199 Days In – 1/13/18: It’s Kyle’s Birthday today. He’s 31 years old. I try to be pleasant for him and try to celebrate the day with him. It’s hard to put on a happy face in the midst of the worst week ever. It’s a low-key day, but around 5:30pm his friend texts me to tell me that they’re coming over for a surprise visit and not to tell Kyle. My heart starts racing and panic sets in. I am visually stressed and my heart hurts yet from the torment of the week. My face is red and puffy, as it has been the last few days. I tell Kyle they’re coming over, and I rush to try to look presentable. I stand in the shower trying to hurry and get ready, but the blood keeps coming. I watch as the water comes out of the showerhead clear and enters the drain bright red. I’m panicking trying to get ready quickly, but the bleeding has gotten heavier and I need to change my clothes again as soon as I think I’m ready to go. Our friends arrive and I try my hardest to put on a happy face. None of them know the torture of the week or what’s currently going on with me right now. We show them the progress of the basement remodel and get in our vehicles to head to dinner. I ask Kyle if we can drive separate, as something isn’t feeling right with me. We get in the truck and I immediately start to sob. I feel horrible for how I’m feeling with this being his Birthday Celebration. Trying to pretend I’m happy in front of our friends is excruciating, considering what I’m feeling right now. He sympathetically offers to turn around and just stay in. I insist we should go and try to put on brave faces. As we’re driving there, I can feel blood pouring out of me. When we get there, I head to the bathroom to try and take care of the blood that has come since we left home. We order our food and we wait. Then I feel it. The biggest gush of something. I quickly excuse myself and head to the bathroom. Fortunately, it was a single bathroom with a lockable door. As I prepare myself for what I’m about to find as I enter the restroom, blood starts dripping onto the bathroom floor, along with blood clots. I am frantic. I am in the middle of nowhere, in a one-stall bathroom in a bar. I have no extra clothes and I’m running out of liners and pads to even allow myself to exit the restroom in a presentable manner. I’m frantically trying to wipe up the blood and clots on the bathroom floor. I know by now I’ve been in there for probably 15 minutes and no amount of toilet paper is helping me control the bleeding. I finally feel somewhat contained and I walk back to our table – keenly aware of the eyes following the girl who’s been in the bathroom for the last 20 minutes. I sit back down and try to act like nothing is wrong. I text my friend who’s a nurse at the clinic I went to for my prenatal care and tell her what’s going on. She immediately calls me and tells me to get to the hospital – it’s too much blood. I whisper to Kyle we need to leave, and I immediately start crying. I briefly explain to our friends what is happening and we head out – our food still sitting on the table. We start making the hour and a half drive to the hospital but need to stop at Shopko on our way there to buy new pants and underwear for me since mine are now blood soaked. When we get to the hospital, we are immediately admitted and evaluations and IVs start. We are there past midnight. Laying on a blood-soaked sheet is beyond uncomfortable. At one point, I tell Kyle I’m going to readjust my sitting position and to see if he would be able to tell me if there’s blood pooled beneath me (so I can ask for new sheets) and he tells me I don’t have to move for him to see - he already sees the blood pooled on the sheets. What an ending to Kyle’s 31st Birthday. It turns out that not all of the tissue from my D&C was removed so my body was hemorrhaging the material and blood out in the only way it knew how.

208 Days In - 1/22/18: Today is our follow up appointment to make sure everything is healing from the surgery. The doctor tells us she is not going to check my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels to make sure they’re back to 0 because essentially, it’s a heartbreaking result to view when one week it’s high and positive and a few weeks later it’s a blazing negative pregnancy result. She does a scan and shares that she feels everything is now healing as it should be.

213 Days In - 1/27/2018: It’s been a few weeks since the worst day of our lives. Trying to find some sense of normalcy, Kyle reluctantly agrees to head north for the weekend with a friend to go snowmobiling. In an effort to be strong, I urge him to go. My mom tells me to come up north and be with the family. After some persuasion, I decide to go for a few hours, but not until after visiting the shrine. Her and I drive to Door County so I can sit in the basement of an old church to feel God’s presence even more. I pour out my heart to him – the hurt, the sorrow, and anything else that comes to mind. After that, we head north. I put on a brave face and try to engage in conversation with my sister and her family, along with my sister’s friend and her family. Their daughters paint each other’s nails and then my sister and her friend decide to go get a drink at the bar down the road. They invite me to come. That simple, kind gesture on their part broke my heart. Without even realizing it, and they probably never will (nor should they even have to), it tore me to pieces inside. A drink? A reminder that I was no longer pregnant and could engage in those types of things. A stinging reminder to what I didn’t have. Tears welled in my eyes, and after 30 minutes or so of trying to keep it together, I tried to play it off cooly that I was going to head home. I said my goodbyes, got in my truck, and bawled the entire hour and a half drive home. I feel bad even writing this because I wholeheartedly know that everyone that day tiptoed around me to try and say the most perfect things to help me cope. For that, I’m thankful.

218 Days In - 2/1/18: I have a dentist appointment today. My really great friend, who we grew up with, is my dental hygienist, so in addition to getting some clean teeth, it’s a great time to catch up with her. When I check in at the front desk, the receptionist asks if I want to schedule my next appointment for 6 months out. Without even thinking, I tell her sure. She says, ok, anytime August 1st or later would be acceptable for insurance purposes. August 1st … my due date. My heart hurts as I stand there, her waiting for my response. In my head I think “I shouldn’t even BE ABLE to go to the dentist on August 1st because I should have just given birth to our child.” I mumble a date, which I have no recollection of what I schedule, and my friend calls me back for my cleaning. I sit in her chair and immediately start crying. She is beyond confused. I explain everything to her. How I was pregnant and now I’m not and how the receptionist asked me to schedule my next appointment any time after August 1st and how it just brought up such sad emotions. She is beyond understanding. Who knew a simple dentist office visit could be such an emotional rollercoaster?

226 Days In - 2/9/18: Today marks one month since my baby was taken from my body. I still feel the hole – not only from my emptiness inside but the hole this has left on my heart. I think about her daily and I pray daily that she feels mine and Kyle’s love, that she’s strong, that she’s healthy and that she’s happy. I am struggling deeply with my emotions. Is this depression? It probably is, but I’m too afraid to find out. I find validation in books and other stories that confirm my feelings. I’m starting to meet with my friends again … I try hard to portray it as a sense of normalcy in my life again, but selfishly I want them to share their journeys with me on miscarriage so that I can learn what to expect and find comfort in knowing that it will get better. Through this, which I’ll eventually learn did me more harm than good, I learn from my friends and family members that they got pregnant right after their miscarriage because “miscarriage makes you more fertile.” They tell me this to try and make me feel better, and believing I will be more fertile after this, I do feel better.

229 Days In – 2/12/18: I feel cramps today and I pass a blood clot. My heart skips a beat. Am I getting my period? Is this the start of my first cycle? Before I was wheeled back for my surgery, I had asked my doctor if I could try to get pregnant right away and she said “sure, if you want to end up back here in a month.” She made it very clear that my body needed to heal and that I needed to go through one full cycle before even considering getting pregnant again. I pass another clot the next day. I hope this is it! The start of my cycles again!

245 Days In – 2/28/18: I haven’t experienced anything remotely close to a period yet. I’m beyond disappointed. I take an ovulation test the next day and it’s positive. It’s positive the next 17 days I check as well. What’s going on with my body? Why is it not doing what other women’s bodies are doing? I wish it would just cooperate. I begin asking friends and family who have experienced miscarriages how long it took for them to get their cycles back – they all tell me it came back within a few weeks and all of them got pregnant right away after. I think to myself – if I can just patiently wait for my body to get back on track, then as soon as it does, I’ll be pregnant again too.

278 Days In - 4/2/18: Finally – what I am sure is a real start of a cycle. I am beyond relieved. My body is figuring itself out and I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. Cycle 1 since our miscarriage. While my heart and my mind still thinks about our sweet baby we lost daily (and then some), I want nothing more than to be pregnant again. I hope it happens soon, just like my friends and family said it would. I track each day of my cycle and use my ovulation predictor kits. I am feeling really, really confident. In my overanalyzing of this entire process, I also read acupuncture is key to conceiving. Needles all over my body? Sure, if that will help. I do my first acupuncture treatment on 4/23/18 and every week after. I can’t relax during the treatment, but hey, if they say it helps, I’m game.

279 Days In – 4/3/18: I’m aware that our friends, the ones who got married a few months after us, are trying to get pregnant as well. I hate that my heart and mind even thinks this way, but each and every time I see them, I am so scared that it will be the day that they announce a pregnancy to us. I knew when that day came, if it were to happen before Kyle and I, it wasn’t something my heart would be able to handle lightly. I find myself avoiding these two people as much as I can, without making it blatantly obvious that that is what’s happening. Kyle knows full well what’s going on with me and has even brought it up to me before. Today we are planning on having dinner with these two and another couple. Instead of being excited for dinner and to see our friends, I’m filled with anxiety and stress. Is today the day they’re going to tell us they’re expecting? Will they be pregnant before us and welcome a live child before we will? Aren’t we supposed to get pregnant first since we’ve been married longer? I try to push those thoughts to the back of my mind as we have dinner together. Dinner wraps up and no announcements. Hurdle avoided. One person recommends we get ice cream. Ice cream – innocent enough and just a quick event. There is no way they’ll announce while we’re getting a quick bite of ice cream. We order and all cram around a small table at a local ice cream shop. Minutes later, my friend’s husband throws a picture on the table and my heart immediately stops. Without even evaluating it, I can tell at first glance by the colors and shine of the small photo that it’s an ultrasound photo. I’m immediately full and can’t bare another bite of my dessert. I can’t look away from that picture as everyone shares their hugs and congratulations for the newly expecting couple. I muster up the bravest face I can and tell them congratulations. I want nothing more than to get out of there and be alone. I can’t finish my food and I wait what seems like hours for everyone to wrap up their dessert. We walk to the car, I force myself to give them a hug, shut the truck door and the tears just start falling. I’m sobbing and Kyle has nothing he can even say to make it better. It’s not fair, I think to myself.

306 Days In – 4/28/18: One of our close friend couples is having a cookout later today. We are watching my niece this weekend, and we know there will be lots of kids at this cookout and that she’d love to play with them. We arrive around 4:00 and my friend and I take the kids in the playhouse they have outside. Everything is going just fine. More and more people start arriving … carloads of friends and their children start filling the yard and the house. It’s almost time to eat so we move inside to get ready for dinner. I’m upstairs playing with my niece and some other children, and as I look down over their balcony, I become keenly aware of whom I’m surrounded by, including the number of little children there. We make our way downstairs and start prepping plates of food for the kids. My sense of awareness increases. I scan the room – every single couple who is also married either has two children at this point or they are pregnant… every.single.one. Except us. We are the only ones. WE should be fitting in more – I should be 6 months pregnant at this point. My throat starts to well up and I tell myself – do NOT cry, Angie. Don’t do it. I can’t stop myself – the tears start falling. I tell Kyle we need to leave. He’s confused, but doesn’t try to change my mind. When we get in the car, the sobbing starts. Kyle is still beyond confused at how I could go from perfectly collected to a complete mess. I explain to him what’s going through my mind and while he tries to persuade me that we still need to live our lives and be involved in situations like this, I’m not having it. I tried.

305 Days In - 4/29/18: After a miscarriage and after a period of trying to get pregnant, a woman becomes keenly aware of any pregnancy announcements or baby-related events, and oftentimes will avoid such at all costs. I was certainly there. Today is my friend’s baby shower. The one who had shared she got pregnant the first month they tried. For weeks I’ve been dreading this day. I’ve been playing over and over in my mind how this shower will go, and how I will be able to contain my emotions…my sadness. How will I bravely put on a happy face for her, while my heart is breaking inside. I have my niece yet today. It’s Sunday, the day of the Baby Shower. I take my niece and we head to the grocery store to get ingredients to make a taco dip that I offered to bring. After the grocery store, we head to my mother in laws who is going to watch my niece until her parents get home. I’m ready for the Baby Shower and just need to prep the taco dip at my in-laws’ house. My heart is racing as the clock counts down the minutes before this Baby Shower. I’m starting to feverishly search for ways to get out of going. I ask my mother in law what they’re doing for lunch. She says she has no plans. Queue my idea: I offer that I should call Kyle and we should all do lunch together. She asks – aren’t you supposed to be going to a Baby Shower. I was like, well, I don’t HAVE to go. A little confused, I’m sure, she says ok, lunch sounds great. I call Kyle and he confusingly agrees to lunch. Yes! I’m out! To be as good of a friend as I can muster up, I still bring my taco dip and my gift to my friend’s Baby Shower. I walk in with my food and the gift, give a few hugs and tell people I can’t stay. One of my pregnant friends is there – I know she senses what’s going on. She gives me a smile and the biggest hug ever and lets me leave without question. For that, I’m thankful. I hate that I felt like that and that my heart wouldn’t let me stay. I hate the pang of jealousy I felt as I watched my pregnant friend greet her guests. Would I ever have that?

312 Days In - 5/6/18: My heart drops. I’m starting to spot blood. This can’t be. I’ve followed my apps and my kits to a “T.” I’ve done the acupuncture, I’ve ate the right foods, I’ve waited the required time as advised by my doctor. One drop of blood and my heart starts racing. I’m shaking as I reach for a pregnancy test, knowing in the back of mind fullwell what the outcome is going to be. Negative. I break down into tears. Everyone promised you’re more fertile after a miscarriage. This can’t be happening. Luckily Kyle is home to console me. The next day I call the office that assisted me during my short pregnancy, asking if they can just do a quick scan / check to make sure everything has healed from my D&C and to see if there is anything preventing me from becoming pregnant again. I tell her how anxious I am that I’ve only had one period and am not pregnant yet. She tells me – if we do a scan, we’re going to code it as infertility and tells me “nobody wants to be coded as infertile for insurance purposes, because that code sticks with you from then on.” She goes on to tell me that by me coming in, everything is going to start getting more pricey since it’s technically not necessary for me to come and that nothing is wrong with me. I start to get emotional and start crying and I plead with her to just let me come in for peace of mind and that I’ll pay whatever it takes and that I don’t care what they code it as. I want to make sure my body is physically capable of getting pregnant again because it’s literally all I think about. She interrupts my pleading and says “what it really sounds like is that you need anti-depressants.” I am shocked. I hang up the phone. My crying gets more intense. I am hurt by her rude and insensitive comments. No lady … I am broken by this entire journey and it’s all that consumes my mind. I get control of my sadness and call back and speak to someone else who agrees to let me come in for evaluation by the doctor. Ok – another step forward. Cycle Day 1 … again.

313 Days In – 5/7/18: Temping … I hear it’ll help. Every single morning my alarm goes off, I reach for my thermometer, trying to move as minimally as possible (so as not to skew the temp) and get my basal body temperature. Poor Kyle … this thermometer beeps and beeps during the process. From 12:01 am until my alarm goes off, this little gadget consumes me. I’ve woken up at 2:00am, 3:00am, etc. needing to use the restroom, but I refuse myself to go because what if I don’t get my temperature back down to normal resting temperature and I throw off my entire first morning basal body temperature and miss key days in my cycle. I tie this in with the $60 ovulation predictor kits I’m still using as well, along with multiple apps that I track every single twitch and symptom in. Oh, and I start yoga as well. I don’t like it, but they say it’ll help. The acupuncture needles continue as well. This process officially consumes my life and it takes up so much of my headspace as well. Kyle, as usual, does his best to be supportive of all of this.

315 Days In - 5/9/18: Today is the day I find out why I’m not pregnant yet. I am excited and anxious for my appointment. I check in at the front desk and wait my turn. When I finally get to meet with the doctor, I run through my emotions and the symptoms I’ve had over the past few months. Thinking the next step will be an evaluation to make sure my body has healed and is physically capable of becoming pregnant again, I am shocked when her only step is to offer to put me on anti-depressants. It’s as if all of my concerns and all of my anxiety means nothing. All I wanted was a simple “everything looks good” from the doctor who did my procedure and had once cared for my pregnancy. Nothing. I looked at my notes on my online portal for the clinic and all it says is “Issues Addressed: Depressive Disorder / Anxiety State.” It made me ill to my stomach to read that. That would be the last time I ever associated with that clinic again.

339 Days In - 6/2/18: I’ve been extremely thorough about my temping, making all of my acupuncture appointments, using my ovulation predictor kits as instructed, and documenting every pinch, pull, exercise, and more in three different apps. My days are consumed by fertility and trying to become pregnant. Today is the first annual festival in our nearby city – Sundrop Dayz. I want to try and bring the “old Angie” back – the one who loved to plan outings with friends and was up for experiencing new things at any time. I am excited at my brave self for organizing our friends getting together for Sundrop Dayz. When the day arrives to go to this fest, the only girl that can make it is my newly pregnant friend. Fortunately, some of our other guy friends can make it, so that won’t put so much pressure on me to carry on solo conversations about a topic I wanted to avoid: pregnancy. We get to the event and start exploring what it has to offer. Almost immediately, we run into friends of friends – the group we are with start conversation with them and I learn that he and his wife are recently married – and then I see it – and recently pregnant. I walk away. I know it’s rude, but my heart and body doesn’t want to associate with a newly married and newly pregnant couple today. Kyle and our friends eventually catch up with me and Kyle whispers that that wasn’t very nice – and I play it off like I don’t know what he’s talking about (was I that obvious?). We continue exploring and we run into a girl who my friends know well, and that I had only seen a time or two. My friends ask her where her husband is and she explains that he’s at home cutting the lawn and that she would normally be the one to cut the lawn but since she’s “pregnant, I don’t cut the lawn anymore because of the bouncing.” Ok seriously …. Please stop with the pregnant people today. I’m trying my best to be a happy face in a happy atmosphere. I nonchalantly walk away once again. The next two hours go off without a hitch. I’m not drinking, but my pregnant friend and I hang out in the beer tent with the rest of the group chatting. Sundrop Dayz starts to get busier and people are starting to drink more. Eventually my one friend who just had her baby arrives with her new blessing and her husband. You got this, Angie. We meet her baby for the first time, and I’m proud of the confidence I believe I portrayed. Everything is going as good as it can be and I’m happy with my emotions at this point. Then it happens … a girl who I’ve seen hanging around my other friends, and who I’ve watched have at least a few beers at this point, approached me, my pregnant friend, and my friend who just became a mother. If you’re following along, it’s us three: one of us is pregnant, one of us is a brand new mom, and one of us is doing everything she can to be brave and hide the hurt and jealousy she’s feeling being with these other two women because she had a miscarriage a few months earlier and wants nothing more than to be pregnant again. This lady approaches us and says “congratulations on your new baby!” to my one friend, then turns to my other friend and says “that’s so great that you’re pregnant, enjoy it and congratulations!” and then turns to me (mind you, she has no idea who I am) and makes a joking comment and says “and you, well good luck with whatever you’re doing.” I could have puked right then and there. This lady had no idea who I was and what I was trying to overcome and deal with, but she managed to say one of the most hurtful things to me that she could have. I immediately walked away from her and the tears started falling. Lady – if you only knew what I was feeling and what I was still trying to hide that day. My whole world is revolving around having a baby with my husband. That is all my heart and soul wants, and you manage to nonchalantly tell me “good luck with whatever YOU’RE doing” because she could visually see I wasn’t pregnant or had just welcomed a baby, like the other two girls I stood with. Her innocent comment to me burned more than she could have ever realized. I had to get out of there. All of my bravery for that day was gone. I walked through that festival with tears falling. I didn’t care that people stared. I didn’t have a car, but I was prepared to walk home if I had to – I didn’t care that it was 10 miles. Fortunately, my friend answered my call and dropped everything after a simple question from me of “what are you doing” was asked. She sensed immediately that I needed her. She was there in minutes – bare feet and all. As I got in her car, tears falling, Kyle and our friends were just catching up to me. My pregnant friend was there and she knew … she knew what had happened and she did the only thing she knew to do – she hugged me as if to say “go, I understand.” If you haven’t been through infertility, you’ll never be able to sensor your comments in a way that won’t hurt someone who is/has been through it. It wasn’t her fault that she broke me once again that afternoon. A simple conversation and what she felt was an innocent comment, was all but that for someone who struggled to even get ready that morning.

345 Days In - 6/8/18: Cycle Day 34 – no sign of my period, so I’m feeling slightly optimistic that this could be our month. I take my temp, 98.48 degrees, and carry on with my Friday. No blood today. Tomorrow is a different story. I feel it coming, but I try to remain positive as I shakenly reach for a Clear Blue Pregnancy Test. I watch as the blinking lines go from one, two, three and hold my breath for the result. “NOT pregnant.” I read it, re-read it, and then read it again. The “NOT” is still there. One of the most painful, three letter words that a woman trying to get pregnant will ever read. As if to dig the knife deeper, my period starts within minutes of reading that test. Time for Kyle to console his wife once again.

391 Days In - 7/10/18: This cycle turns out like all of the previous ones. I exhausted myself once again and stressed myself out as I tracked, tabulated, temped, tested, documented, second-guessed, and blah blah blah day in and day out to make sure I gave myself all of the chances in the world to conceive this cycle. At this point, I literally consume myself with this journey of trying to get pregnant. My husband is as understanding of my addiction to perfecting this journey as he can be. He truly is amazing. Tomorrow’s negative pregnancy test prompts us to officially call it … IF this next cycle fails, we are seeking help by a fertility specialist. I am mentally and emotionally drained. I need my life back. Kyle is 100% on board with this. As oddly as it sounds, I am seemingly at peace with this new cycle that starts today. Even IF it doesn’t work, I feel like we’re taking the bull by the horns as we move forward.

413 Days In - 8/1/18: Our due date. I’ve dreaded this day for a while, fearing how I’d feel and what emotions/memories would come rolling back. Our baby should be here today, whether it be today or sooner. We should have a newborn at home – her room packed with brand new baby necessities that all coordinate and the cutest decorations should be filling her themed room. Instead, we have a tree. When we had our miscarriage, my family gave Kyle and I a gift certificate to plant a tree in honor of her. Kyle and I picked it out about a week ago and placed it in the backyard so that we could see it from our kitchen windows. It’s called a “strongwood” tree – fitting, I think. We’ve been very diligent about watering it and keeping a nice fence around it. My dad made us a cross out of stainless steel and on the cross it reads “Too Beautiful For Earth: 8.1.18” The stainless glimmers in the sunlight and shines by the moonlight.

420 Days In - 8/8/18: It’s cycle day 29. I know it’s a bit early, but I brave myself up and take a test. Negative. I can bear this though as I know I typically have another 5 days left in my cycle.

Day 422, I try again. Negative. Still a bit early.

424 Days In - 8/12/18: Cycle day 1 … again. This time though, even through the tears of the realization it once again did not work, I feel a sense of strength. I’ve done everything in my power to try and get pregnant, and my husband has supported every step of that, but now, it’s time to go outside of my capabilities. I’ve done my research and I have it narrowed down to two doctors. I call both of them and set up our initial consults for fertility treatments.

433 Days In - 8/21/18: Consult one is today with one of our two choices. We meet with the doctor’s head nurse and answer all of her questions, as she does ours. To her delight, I have everything thoroughly documented, down to the daily calendar that I present to her. She explains next steps and how that involves a full evaluation by the doctor of both Kyle and I. We leave feeling very at ease and if we are on top of the world. We’ve taken a huge step in our fertility journey today and we know answers could be just a few days away as we wait for our next scheduled appointment with them.

435 Days In – 8/23/18: Consult two is today with our other top choice – the Kaldas Center. As we pull into the facility and are welcomed by a spa-like atmosphere, we are immediately at ease. We are given paperwork that a nurse thoroughly goes over with us – including the step-by-step protocol they’ll take in helping us on our fertility journey. Minutes later, we are waiting for Dr. Kaldas. As I sit on the evaluation bed, I am impressed at the awards and credentials of this doctor that are displayed on the wall in front of me. I am immediately excited. Dr. Kaldas comes in, introduces himself and explains how they usually treat their patients. He then asks if I wouldn’t mind him doing a quick evaluation of me. I am very excited about this direct approach and his willingness to already start exploring what could have been preventing us from getting pregnant in just the first few minutes of meeting us. He does a pelvic exam and sensitively advises that he’s not seeing any signs of endometriosis or scarring from the D&C, but that he can’t rule out the possibility of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) without an ultrasound. We get our “next steps” from the clinic and as we are walking out, we both agree that this clinic, the Kaldas Center, is who we trust to get us pregnant. We are excited about their aggressive approach to help us. Next steps for us include: lab work, pelvic ultrasound, hysterosalpingogram (HSG), and a semen analysis. Without delay, I go to the local hospital this same day to complete my labs. Why wait, right? I have my blood drawn to check my thyroid, prolactin (an elevated result can cause problems with ovulation), PCOS indicators (insulin, DHEA-S, testosterone, hemoglobin A1C), creatinine, anti-mullerian hormone (AMH) (for ovaries reserve numbers), and FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) also for ovarian reserve numbers. I give what feels like a gallon of blood and then wait for my results.

430 Days In - 8/28/18: I have my first ultrasound with the Kaldas Center today to check my ovaries and all of the female mechanics necessary to get pregnant. I tell Kyle he doesn’t need to come today – it’s just a simple ultrasound. This simple ultrasound is all I’ve been wanting since my D&C surgery seven and a half months ago – just peace of mind that everything looks ok. As the tech does the ultrasound, she explains in detail what she is looking for. She outlines my ovaries and then also outlines the tiny black dots surrounding the ovaries. She explains to me, very calmly and confidently, that these black dots are cysts. She shares that the nurse I will meet with in a few minutes will go over this in more detail. I get dressed and move to a new room to wait for the nurse. She comes in to go over my ultrasound results and my lab work from a few days ago. She explains that based on all of this, I have polycystic ovaries (I do not have the PCOS, just PCO … essentially the syndrome indicates higher levels of male hormones, which wasn’t revealed in my labs) based on the cysts surrounding the ovaries and the higher levels of some of the labs I had drawn. I immediately start to cry. The nurse hands me a tissue, and even though she doesn’t ask, I explain that I feel like the last 8 months of trying to conceive have been a waste since PCO typically requires some type of interaction from a fertility doctor to conceive. In my head, I feel like if only my prior OB would have just done the evaluation like I had asked, I could have already been treating the PCO, been on meds, and maybe even have conceived by now. She finishes going over my results and explains that they are going to start me on Metformin to help control my cycles and to turn what could be cysts in follicles which in then can turn into eggs. She warns me that many women get really sick on Metformin and it can cause severe stomach pain. She explains that we will start with one pill a day and eventually work up to three pills a day. I feel like she could have told me I’d gain 50 pounds the first time I took the pill and I would have still happily swallowed it. Any protocol in me getting pregnant again was fine by me. She explains that our options for treatment in our first full cycle coming up can either be a medicated cycle or an IUI cycle (intrauterine insemination). I opt for the medicated cycle which involves me taking clomid cycle days three through seven to help stimulate ovulation. Lastly, she tells me that I need to call their office on cycle day one of my next cycle to schedule my hysterosalpingogram (HSG). When I get to my truck after my nurse discussion, I cry as I call Kyle to tell him the news. I explain to him how disappointed I am in my body for having cysts and having been diagnosed with PCO and how it’s been my fault all of these months that we still aren’t pregnant. I explain to him how I’m upset that our other doctor never did labs or an ultrasound to check for indicators that had preventing us from conceiving these past eight months. I compare her to our new doctor who made all the difference in just five days of working with them and how we’ve learned so much about me already in just a fraction of the time. Confident that he’s going to agree with my pity party – he completely blows me away. He says “Angie, this is great news!” I’m annoyed – like has he heard ANYTHING I just said?! “What?” I ask him. He repeats … “this is good, Angie.” Even more annoyed I ask him what the heck he’s talking about. He says “we finally have some answers!” Huh …. He’s absolutely right. Gosh, this man just blows me away sometimes. From that moment on, my perspective changed. Kyle was right – we now have answers and we now have protocols and next steps. Together, we were going to take this journey full-steam ahead.

450 Days In - 9/17/18: Cycle day 1 starts today. Although this means that I’m once again not pregnant from the last cycle, I am surprisingly calm. I call the Kaldas Center and schedule my HSG at Theda Clark for cycle day 9 (it has to be completed between cycle dates 5-10 of a cycle). I get instructions to take my first clomid pill on 9/19 and continue through cycle day 7. I’ve already started Metformin, and I’m not having any side effects, so I feel great about that. At this point, I feel empowered about our journey.

458 Days In - 9/25/18: My hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is today. They will do an x-ray of my uterus and my fallopian tubes to check for tubal patency and contour of the uterus. They’ll inject dye into my uterus and portray it on a screen to see that the dye spills out of the fallopian tubes. This procedure will also flush out my fallopian tubes, making the environment better for the egg and sperm to meet. I’ve of course done some research on this procedure and the majority of women who have undergone it have noted that it’s a painful procedure. I accept that it may be and we head to Theda Clark to complete it. We get there, I get into the robe they provide and proceed to the room where they’ll perform the HSG. I notice there’s an extra chair in the room and ask if it would be ok if Kyle is present for the procedure. They say it will be and go get him. An OB and a radiologist perform the HSG and walk us step by step through what we are seeing on the screen. The pain is minimal and we are in awe of what we see. The HSG looks great and the documentation was as follows: Examination demonstrates filling of contrast throughout the uterine cavity with widely patent bilateral fallopian tubes and free spillage of contrast from the right and left fallopian tubes into the peritoneum. This is exactly what we hoped to see.

460 Days In - 9/27/18: Today we will do another ultrasound to check on the follicles for this cycle. I’m excited to see how I’ve progressed with the medications I’m on and knowing my tubes are free of any blockage. Kyle and I anxiously, and obliviously, watch the screen as the tech explains what she’s looking for. We learn that the black circles on the screen are good at this point in my cycle, indicating follicles. The idea is that the follicles get to a certain size and then release an egg. She measures the follicles and explains that we have three large follicles growing on the right (lead follicles, she calls them). There is nothing on the left. After the ultrasound, we meet with the nurse who explains that a trigger shot, which she has already had shipped to us from a pharmacy, will induce ovulation in me since I don’t always ovulate consistently. The trigger shot helps to time out the ovulation, or release of the egg, so that the sperm has the best chance of meeting it. She explains how to administer the shot, and then gives us our “Timed Intercourse Treatment Plan” worksheet that tells us when to have “timed intercourse” and at exactly what day and time to administer the shot. We are sent home, excited that we finally have a legitimate protocol to follow.

462 Days In - 9/29/18: It’s 7:45 pm and the night I’m to take my Ovidrel (trigger) shot to help induce ovulation. I have the shot, filled with medication, sitting on my table. I’ve read, reread, and then read once again the instructions on how to administer this shot. At exactly 8:00pm, I administer the shot and feel confident that I did it correctly.

466 Days In - 10/3/18: Today I am four days post ovulation and am instructed to start Prometrium (Progesterone). I am to take these pills until 10 weeks gestational age if I do get a positive pregnancy test on 10/13. If my test is negative, I will discontinue it. Progesterone helps prepare the uterus for pregnancy by thickening the uterine lining.

476 Days In - 10/13/18: My “Timed Intercourse Treatment Plan” worksheet indicates today is the day I take my pregnancy test based on the day to day protocols we’ve followed this cycle. We anxiously and optimistically await the results. Negative. We try to remain positive and chalk it up to my body adjusting to the new medications. Our first medicated cycle is a fail. We now wait for my period to start so we can begin our next cycle.

470 Days In - 10/16/18: I finally start spotting today. I’ve been instructed to call on cycle day 1 or the first full day of period “flow.” On 10/17/18, I call and schedule my follicle check for that cycle. We will go in on 10/26/18 to see where the follicles are measuring at. This will be our second medicated cycle.

480 Days In - 10/26/18: We head to the Kaldas Center to do our follicle check. It’s cycle day 10, so I’ve already finished my clomid for that cycle and have been taking my three Metformin pills every day. Our follicle check reveals that we have two leading follicles. The nurse asks if we’d like to move forward with an IUI this cycle instead of timed intercourse. Convinced we aren’t “there” yet and a little intimidated by the term “IUI,” we tell her we’d like to stick with the timed intercourse again, optimistic that our second medicated cycle will be the winner. She fills out our worksheet outlining our timed intercourse dates, our ovidrel shot day, and our Prometrium start day, and we are on our way.

482 Days In - 10/28/18: Feeling like a pro now, I administer my ovidrel shot in my stomach without any hesitation. Ovulation here we come (or so we hope). I start my Prometrium tabs a few days later.

496 Days In - 11/11/18: Pregnancy test day. Kyle and I prep ourselves for good news. That’s short lived as the flashing timer turns into a “Not Pregnant” display. Again. I discontinue Prometrium and wait, once again, for the next cycle to start.

500 Days In - 11/15/2018: Cycle day 1 today. I call the Kaldas Center and schedule my day 10 follicle check (day 10 falls on a weekend, so we’ll schedule for that next Monday) and go pick up my clomid for cycle days 3 through 7. This time, my doctor ups the clomid to two pills a day during those cycle days.

502 Days In – 11/17/2018: I am standing up in friend’s wedding and today is the day she planned for us to travel to Wausau to try on bridesmaid dresses. My friend’s fiancé has two sisters who are already in Wausau for the weekend, so it leaves me with the bride to be and two other friends. When I think about the girls who are making the drive that day – all I can think is that there is a bride to be, a pregnant girl, and a girl who just had a baby. In my mind, I tell myself the entire car ride there with those three will be consumed by talk of pregnancy and a new baby/giving birth – all topics that my heart can absolutely not handle. I make up an excuse about how I need to drive separate so that I can check on a jobsite in Wausau that my employees will soon be working on. While I do have a jobsite there coming up, I absolutely, positively have no reason to check it out. I drive myself there, following them, separately. In an effort to make it NOT a lie, I still drive by the jobsite, just to make myself feel better and to prove to myself I didn’t lie. Going through infertility will make you do things you normally wouldn’t – even if that means making up a ridiculous excuse so that you have to drive hours by yourself so that you can avoid a potential discussion about being pregnant and having a baby.

507 Days In - 11/22/18: It’s Thanksgiving today. I know despite everything we’ve been through and are going through, we aren’t the only ones struggling with something life has thrown at us. We still have lots to be thankful for. We spend the day with my family and make our way home later that evening. When we stop and get gas about half way home I turn around and look in the backseat and tell Kyle “we should have a four-month-old sitting in a car seat back there.” All he can say is “ya.” I don’t know why I say those things out loud, but sometimes the bitterness of the situation gets to me.

511 Days In - 11/26/18: Our follicle check reveals a lead follicle of 12 mm on the right side, with some other follicles not far behind in size. We discuss the option of IUI and decide to move forward with that treatment this cycle. We will trigger on Friday evening at exactly 10:00pm and our IUI procedure will be Sunday at exactly 10:30am. Before we leave the appointment, the doctor explains the increased risk of multiples in a pregnancy when you trigger ovulation with multiple follicles AND do an IUI. We both agree we would welcome multiples. We are anxious and nervous about our first IUI.

515 Days In - 11/30/18: I do my third trigger shot ever at exactly 10:00pm as it’s critical that the IUI is performed 36 hours later (the idea is that the body ovulates 36 hours after a trigger shot – the same time the IUI is performed and the sperm is injected).

517 Days In - 12/2/18: Today is the day. Kyle is scheduled at 7:00am at Theda Clark’s Andrology Lab. He will provide a sample which will then be washed, evaluated, and prepared for us to pick up at exactly 10:10am. After his appointment, we head to breakfast and anxiously await the rest of the morning activities. At 10:00am we arrive back at Theda Clark where I am instructed to go to Andrology to pick up the specimen. I knock on the door of the lab and the andrologist has me sign a release, confirm that the two vials she is giving me is my husband’s based on the tags on them, and then instructs me to put the vials in either my pants or my bra as it’s very important that it stays at body temperature between transportation from the hospital to the Kaldas Center. I walk through the hospital with the critical ingredient of our IUI in my bra. It feels like I just robbed a bank as I nonchalantly make my way through the halls and out to the car. To our luck, there’s a snowstorm today. I wrap my arms around my chest to make sure everything stays warm as we make our way to the Kaldas Center. We arrive at the Kaldas Center a little before 10:30am, just as instructed. It’s a Sunday, so there’s not a car in the parking lot. We are scheduled with Dr. Kaldas this morning. At 10:30am, he’s still not there. Be patient, Angie, be patient. At 10:33am, he’s still not there and all the doors are locked. Panic sets in. My voice starts shaking as Kyle tries to keep me calm. Please, please don’t tell me we left two hours early to travel in a snowstorm this morning so that Kyle could make his donation on time, that we picked it up right on time, and that we got to the Kaldas Center right on time, only to find out the doctor forgot. I start dialing every number I can to try and figure out where our doctor is. At 10:35am, a car finally pulls in and Dr. Kaldas get out. He waves for us to come in. I can finally relax. He calls us into the procedure room, asks for the sample that is still in my bra, and completes the IUI. He instructs me to stay lying down for 20 minutes. After 25 minutes, yes, I felt I needed just a few more minutes to let the sperm do their thing, I get up and get ready to leave. We get in the car and I feel like a huge “to-do” has just been checked off my list. Our first IUI is complete.

531 Days In - 12/16/18: I’ve been on Prometrium for about two weeks now and today is test day. This has to be the day we get our positive. I took all of my meds on time, did the trigger at exactly the right minute, and our IUI went off without a hitch. Negative. I’m broken. My heart hurts for us and for Kyle. He and I did everything right. Well, we officially won’t have any announcements to make this Christmas. Our first IUI is a fail.

534 Days In - 12/19/18: Cycle day one. Again. I call the Kaldas Center, and we decide this month we are going to add injectable medication cycle days 8 and 9 to the cycle, along with the two pills of clomid cycle days 3 through 7 . The addition of Follistim injections helps with the development of eggs even further than the clomid.

535 Days In – 12/20/18: As a precaution, I go in for a baseline ultrasound to make sure I don’t have any cysts from the last cycle. A cyst would prevent us from moving forward with injectables this cycle since essentially the injectables would “feed” the cyst and could cause it to rupture. I get the green light to proceed with the Clomid and Follistim injections. I am intimated when my package arrives, via FedEx, with my Follistim. It’s critical that the medication stay refrigerated, so I receive it in a big, insulated and cooled package. I immediately put it in the refrigerator and begin to educate myself on how to inject the Follistim and use the fancy “pen” that comes with it.

541 Days In - 12/25/18: It’s Christmas. At this time last year we were so anxious and excited to be able to make our pregnancy announcement to the family. This year is different. While we are trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel by feeling confident in the fertility treatment and care we are receiving, it’s still hard. My grandma died this year – about 4 months ago. On our hour drive to spend Christmas with my family, I’m scrolling social media and come across a really nice image/quote about loved ones in heaven during Christmas. I send it to my aunts and my mom who I know are also thinking of grandma today, in hopes that it brings a little comfort. The drive between our house and my parents’ house has some spotty sections when it comes to phone reception. As soon as I send the photo to everyone, I start losing reception. They are saying the photo isn’t loading/coming through, and they’re continuing to ask questions about what I’m trying to send – I keep sending and resending, hoping to goodness the darn thing just sends so people can see it’s a sentiment for grandma. I know what’s going through each of their minds, and my heart is racing, just praying nobody asks the question out loud. My heart can’t handle the question that I know is coming at any moment. My phone rings and my heart drops. It’s one of my aunts. My voice cracks as I answer it. She did it – she asked the question. “Angie! Are you trying to tell me something?!? Do you have good news?” I cry softly and as inconspicuous as I possibly can as I answer her – “no,” I say, “it’s just a photo to let you know that I’m thinking about you with it being the first Christmas without grandma.” Of course she goes on to say how my time is coming and that she’s sorry she asked and that she thinks about me often. I hang up the phone and cry out loud. So much for my intention to share a nice sentiment.

544 Days In - 12/28/18: I go to the Kaldas Center for my cycle day 10 follicle check. The follicles aren’t quite large enough yet, so we add three more days of shots from cycle days 10 through 12. It’s Friday today, and I’m excited to head to the very northern part of Wisconsin to pick up my new snowmobile. Before we leave though, I need to make sure I have my next dose of medication in my refrigerator to be used Sunday when I get home. FedEx will not ship to houses on Saturday, so I can’t have it shipped to my in laws while we are going, and I’m too nervous to have it shipped to Walgreens while I’m gone in case the employees leave it sit out and it gets warm, so it’s getting delivered to our local Walgreens today. When I called to order yesterday, they told me it will be to Walgreens by 12:00pm today. At 11:45am I haven’t yet received a delivery notification yet from FedEx, but I assume it has already been delivered (since historically it’s been there by 10:00/11:00am) so I make my drive into town to go pick it up. When I arrive, I tell them I have a FedEx shipment and they explain that FedEx hasn’t delivered yet today. Really? He tells me he’s not sure when they’ll get there. I decide to wait it out a bit to see if they come while I’m in the parking lot. I sit in my truck for a bit and a small FedEx van pulls in. Awesome! Worth the wait! I get out after a few minutes and the same Walgreens employee meets me at the door and says, I saw you waiting, and this isn’t the delivery driver – he’s here to pick up shipments. Darn. I get back in my truck and wait again. Kyle is wanting to get on the road as soon as possible because it’s a 4 hour drive to pick up my snowmobile. If I leave the shipment there, it stands the chance of thawing out and wrecking over $600 in medication, which then means I won’t have any to use for my dose on Sunday. I end up waiting for over an hour in the parking lot before the FedEx truck finally arrives with my shipment of medication. What would seem like such a simple task of picking up medicine always seems to be one step harder when you’re dealing with infertility issues. We finally get on the road by 3:00pm to make our way north. Once we finally get my snowmobile loaded up and the transaction is complete, it’s about 8:00pm and time for my Follistim shot. We are in the truck and heading to find a Friday Fish Fry between here and the cottage because we know it’ll be quite late when we get to the cottage. I guess we are doing injections in the truck tonight. I turn on the light and try to get as much light to shine on my medicine / equipment. It’s very important that I administer the exact right dose each and every time. I clean my injection site with an alcohol pad, draw up the medicine (and double and triple check this), and then insert the needle. Here’s to hoping the truck injection is just as flawless as the other ones.

547 Days In - 12/31/18: We return to the Kaldas Center today to check on the follicles – including number of follicles and size. We are shocked to find that we have 27 follicles that are ready or almost ready for ovulation. Kyle is sitting in the chair next to me and excitedly tells the tech “we’ve never had this many before!!” It really is amazing how this journey as brought us so much closer together. At first we are thrilled about this number – I mean, doesn’t that mean the sperm has 27 chances to meet an egg? We learn that yes, that can absolutely be the case, but on the other hand, it’s extremely dangerous. The nurse and the doctor both meet with us and explain that 27 follicles in waiting is very risky. If we did do the trigger this cycle, I risk OHSS or Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome where the ovaries overreact and release too many eggs, causing extreme dehydration and extreme pain. We also risk a very, very high number of multiples – 4, 5, 6, 7 or even more multiples can result in triggering with IUI with this number of follicles. I tell Kyle I’m ok with the pain that I can endure if we trigger, but we eventually decide the risk of multiples to both mom and babies is too severe. We are advised that instead of triggering, we need to use ovulation predictor kits and once we see a positive on them, call to schedule our IUI. Although we are disappointed that we can’t count on the 99% guarantee of ovulation from the trigger shot, we are still optimistic that we aren’t wasting this cycle because we will use the ovulation kits and still do an IUI. We purchase, once again, ovulation predictor kits and anxiously await that positive that the nurse and doctor anticipated would come around 1/4/19 or sooner.

549 Days In - 1/2/19: I’ve done three ovulation tests today, as well as three tests a day since we left our last follicle check and not one is showing positive yet. I’m anxious as can be. Did I miss it?! Did I waste this cycle? How did I have 27 follicles that were close to ready, but my body is still saying it’s not ready to ovulate? I call the Kaldas Center today and beg for them to let me come in to do another ultrasound to make sure I didn’t miss it. They tell me to come in to check on the status of the follicles. Whew – I didn’t miss it. By this time, the follicles are even bigger and I’m feeling super bloated. I now have more than 27 follicles, all of which just keep growing. They advise me that I cannot lift more than 20 pounds and that I need to drink as much Gatorade as possible to stay hydrated and to prevent the follicles from twisting around any ovaries since they are “already substantially enlarged ovaries,” according to their visit notes. I’m calmed down when they explain that my body was essentially fed lots of medication to grow the follicles at a quick rate for the first two weeks of the cycle that when we stopped the meds, my body had to learn to take back over the growing of the follicles to get them ready for ovulation on its own. They said this is most likely why the ovulation kits haven’t shown a positive yet. Makes sense.

555 Days In - 1/8/19: Still negatives on the tests. I call, once again, to see if the Kaldas Center can ease my mind by doing another follicle check. They agree and all is progressing as it should, but just a bit slow. Back to the waiting game. Kyle makes the comment that he doesn’t agree with us spending thousands of dollars on this IUI cycle to only rely on “some cheap Walgreens ovulation tests to tell us when we can move forward.” He is absolutely right. We are putting our fate in this cycle, this extremely expensive and emotional cycle, on some tests that you can get in the aisle at your local drug store. One test is flashing a smiley at us (indicating it’s close, but not yet time) and one test is completely blank indicating it’s not time for ovulation.

557 Days In - 1/10/19: I finally have a positive ovulation test today! Whew! I call the Kaldas Center and our IUI is scheduled for 10:30am tomorrow morning.

558 Days In – 1/11/19: Once again we make our way to Theda Clark for Kyle’s 7:00am sample. We grab breakfast as we wait for his sample to be washed and sorted. We get there right at 10:10am, I get the sample, and we make our way to the Kaldas Center for our 10:30am IUI. We’re getting pretty good at this now. Our second IUI is complete.

573 Days In - 1/25/19: Optimistic about the sheer number of follicles, but bummed we had to rely on our ovulation predictor tests, we are still cautiously positive that we’ll get a positive pregnancy test today. We are wrong …. again. Our second IUI is a fail.

576 Days In - 1/28/19: Cycle day 1. I call the Kaldas Center to schedule my baseline ultrasound for 1/30/19. We are going to proceed with the same treatment plan as last cycle, but adjust the dose of Follistim slightly so that we don’t risk OHSS and can move forward with the trigger shot again.

578 Days In - 1/30/19: The baseline ultrasound looks good, and we get approval to move forward as planned. I pick up my clomid from the pharmacy and await my overnight shipment of Follistim with the intimidating packaging. 585 Days In - 2/6/19: I do my follicle check today to see how the clomid and new doses of Follistim are working. It’s still early as we discover we have one lead follicle on my right ovary that is 11 mm. We increase the Follistim and schedule a recheck in two days.

587 Days In - 2/8/19: The lead follicle has grown to 12 mm, with a few others close in size as well. The numbers are looking really good. We’ve learned so much more as a couple than anyone can even imagine. I never even considered a day where my husband got pumped up about the number of follicles he’d see on my ovaries at one of our many scans. It’s astonishing that he can look at an image of the ultrasound on the screen and know exactly what he’s looking at and what we’re looking for. I’m instructed to do another shot of Follistim tonight and another tomorrow, and we will rescan again in two days. We discuss again the risk of multiples as my follicle count and size continues to grow. We decide to head up north for the weekend. My family isn’t able to join us, so it’s just Kyle and I. I pack my cooler of medications and double and triple check that I have all of my meds. Kyle is excited to snowmobile and because of the size of the follicles, I’m too nervous to snowmobile with him, so I’m planning to head to town in the morning for some shopping and lunch. We get to the cottage around 5:00pm and turn the heat up so we have comfortable sleeping temperatures. Kyle shovels the snow and gets everything turned on in the breaker box. We pick a spot to get some Friday Fish and head out. We enjoy a nice dinner together at a lake down the road and head back to the cottage around 7:30pm. It’s time for my Follistim shot. I lay out all of my “equipment” on the counter. My medication, my alcohol wipes, and my injection pen are all there. I’m about to administer the shot and go to twist on a new needle head and don’t see one at first site. No way. I check the bag again – I check the carrying case the injection pen comes in. There is absolutely no needle to actually inject the medication. My heart starts racing and Kyle asks what’s going on. I explain the situation. “Can we use a different injection technique,” he asks? We start googling all of the ways to inject Follistim into my stomach. I wonder if I can poke a hole and try to drip it in there … anything besides having to pack up and head all the way back home for a simple needle head sounds appealing. We discover there is NOTHING we can do to inject this without the required needle. I start feeling sorry for myself, cry, and tell Kyle that I really cannot miss this dose of medicine without risking this entire IUI cycle. I have to go home. I try to convince him to stay and tell him I’ll come back tomorrow and get him. He isn’t ok with me making the drive this late at night in the dark. We pack up and head home – all for a needle.

589 Days In- 2/10/19: The follicles look good and I’m instructed to trigger tonight at exactly 10:00pm. I am triggering tonight with a different trigger shot than in the past – Pregnyl. This one causes me some anxiety because it comes with both a liquid and a powder that needs to be precisely mixed and injected. I read, re-read, and read once more how to do it. I inject at exactly 10:00pm and await our third IUI which will occur in 36 hours.

591 Days In - 2/12/19: We proceed, as we have the last three cycles, with our protocol for an IUI morning. We meet all of our deadlines that day and are back in the car by 11:00am. Our third IUI is complete.

604 Days In - 2/25/19: You’d think by now we’d be used to a negative pregnancy test, but I promise you, it never gets easier. With today’s negative, I discontinue my Prometrium and wait for yet another cycle to start.

607 Days In - 2/28/19: Today is cycle day 1 and I make my monthly call to the Kaldas Center to schedule my baseline ultrasound before we proceed with medications and injectables. They can get me in today for my baseline, so I arrive a few hours after my phone call. As we have every other month before, I lay on the table as the tech checks for any cysts (or follicles that didn’t release an egg the last time and kept growing and growing). This ultrasound looks different than my past baseline ultrasounds and she tells me the big black circles on the screen shouldn’t be there. I learn that I have five very large cysts growing. They range in size from 34mm – 42 mm. The shot I took last time provides a 98% chance that the follicles will ovulate, but these five did not release and instead kept growing and growing. Essentially everything we did for the entire last cycle, IUI and all, was a complete waste. I am instructed to start birth control now to contain and shrink the cysts. I am also told I can’t lift, I can’t twist, and I absolutely cannot do any type of exercise besides walking. I’m now at a risk of the cysts twisting around my ovaries which can cause damage to them or life-threatening bleeding. I’m broken, once again. Not only did that entire last cycle get wasted, but now that I have to start birth control, I am wasting this entire new cycle as well. It’s been three complete IUI cycles and we haven’t had any sort of positive pregnancy test. There is no indication that the sperm is even meeting the egg through all of these procedures. Exhausted at this process, we decide that since we need to take an entire month off, now would be a good time to explore the next step in treatment. I schedule consultations for two of the leading IVF (in vitro fertilization) clinics in our surrounding states. We are scheduled with a clinic in Minnesota and a clinic in Illinois.

608 Days In - 3/1/19: Assuming this cycle would continue as normal, we had already ordered our next shipment of medication. If yesterday’s scan had went well, I was to start the medication tomorrow, which means today the medication has to be delivered. I’m typically home throughout the day, but today I have some offsite meetings. I do not want to waste hundreds of dollars in medication that I feel I can use in a future cycle, so I still want to make sure I get the shipment delivered timely. Fortunately, my mother in law is at her house all day today, so I’m keeping her posted throughout the day as FedEx keeps me updated on when the meds will be delivered to her house since they need to be immediately refrigerated. Until you’re going through fertility treatments, you’re never so anxious to receive a delivery. I keep her posted on my FedEx updates and she eventually confirms that she has received them and they’re in the refrigerator.

611 Days In - 3/4/19: I’m asked to complete some lab work to make sure everything else looks in line with where they want it to be for continued fertility treatments. I learn that my prolactin is high, so I’m instructed to start Bromocriptine to control it.

623 Days In - 3/16/19: I start Bromocroptine today and it’s horrible. I’ve never felt a reaction to any type of medication before, but this medicine is causing me really severe headaches. I try to brave it out for a few days, but it’s really interrupting my every day responsibilities. I call my pharmacist friend and she informs me that I really should have started off with a half dose and worked my way up to a full pill. Well, that would have been nice to know by the pharmacist who gave me the medication to begin with. I continue to spot blood throughout this entire month as my body adjusts from getting stimulated with shots and medications to now being completely shut down with birth control. I feel bad for the whirlwind I’m putting it through.

632 Days In - 3/25/19: I finally get to discard my birth control pills on 3/21, per the direction of my doctor. Today is cycle day one, again, and I get to go in for my baseline ultrasound to make sure the cysts are gone and I can continue with treatment. The past cycles were considered combo cycles – a combination of both pills and injectables. To increase our chances this cycle, we decide to do injectables only, starting cycle days 3 through 9. Everything looks clear on my ultrasound and I’m instructed to start the shots on 3/27/19.

633 Days In - 3/26/19: Today is the day. Today we are taking our first step in learning more about the IVF process as we make the three-hour drive to Gurnee, Illinois to have our consultation with Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago. I’ve gone through the application process online, given them all of our information, our past treatment details, and more. I feel prepared and confident that we are equipped, as are they, to meet with us today. We’ve discussed it a million times, but we go over it once again on the way down there. We reiterate how we are only going to learn about what the process is like, see what our chances are, what a timeline would look like, and to insist to them that we are not interested in moving forward at this time (afterall, we just got the ok to do a new type of IUI by doing an injectable only IUI cycle… of course we’re optimistic about those chances). We also discuss that if it ever came to the IVF route, we would definitely, most-certainly, transfer two embryos. In our minds, two embryos transferred meant twins and meant never having to do a fertility treatment again. Alright – bases covered and we are still on the same page. We pull into the parking lot at Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago, early as usual (per Kyle), and wait to enter until right before our appointment. When it’s time for our appointment, we register at the front desk. They ask for the paperwork that they provided to us online, and my heart drops. I tell them – I already filled everything out and have been emailing back and forth with you. I pull up my phone and show her my sent emails that include all of the necessary, completed attachments. Anxiety starts to set in – you mean to tell me that nobody has even read over our paperwork (AKA – nobody here knows even one single thing about us if you’re telling me you never got the paperwork?). I’m immediately heartbroken. I resend her everything and we take a seat in the waiting room. I have a bad taste in my mouth, a bad attitude is setting in, and I’m just really disappointed at this point. We get called back for our initial visit with a nurse who goes over some basics of what we will cover today. To see what kind of reaction we would have to IVF if we were to start treatment, she does a vaginal ultrasound to see my follicles. They are immediately impressed with the number of follicles I have (thank you polycystic ovaries). She explains that this makes us a very good candidate for IVF. We do some initial bloodwork and then she has us wait in the waiting room for our visit with Dr. Irani, whom we’ve chosen over the other two doctors at that clinic. Kyle and I discuss again how we are only exploring this as an option. We absolutely, positively are not moving forward at this point. We get called back to Dr. Irani’s office. He’s young and we immediately notice he’s “all business.” I like his demeanor. He goes over how the entire IVF process works. He asks us about our entire journey and what we’ve all endured in the last almost two years of trying. He’s very, very factual. He has references and uses his computer to show us diagrams, stats, and more. He knows his stuff. We tell him what we’ve been rehearsing as a couple. We tell him we are just here to learn and that we are positively going through with our 4th IUI this cycle using injectables only. He asks why we are so adamant about doing a 4th IUI. We tell him because it’s a new “type” of IUI that we haven’t tried in the past – I mean, duh, these are all injectables. He proceeds to tell us that statistically, if you haven’t gotten pregnant within 3 IUI cycles, the chances of getting pregnant with IUI at all starts to drastically decrease. Seriously? But we are about to start our injections tomorrow for this cycle. I’m torn. I have thousands of dollars of medication in my refrigerator at home, ready for IUI number 4 and now I’m learning that my chance of success each cycle gets lower and lower? We continue to talk through it again…and again… and again. He’s patient, answering all of my questions with facts, not assumptions or probabilities. Kyle and I look at each other as if to say the same thing – is this really our next step? Is this what we need to focus on going forward? Together, we decide that after almost two years of trying … two years of this consuming almost every aspect of our life … it’s time to go all in. We make the decision together in front of Dr. Irani and say “BUT, we want to transfer two embryos.” We say it as if it’s a non-negotiable. We explain that we would love twins so that we never have to do another fertility cycle again. When we leave his office, he’s convinced us that one embryo at transfer, based on our circumstances, is best. Before we leave, we opt for the genetic testing to make sure neither Kyle nor I carry any type of genetic mutations that could hurt our future children or prevent us from ever carrying a child to term. We each get our blood drawn and the clinic sends in our lab work. I also get a few more labs drawn to help them get a baseline to proceed with treatment. I’m already on cycle day 2 at this point, and they tell me we can potentially start our IVF cycle the very next month. We leave that day feeling like we are on top of the world. We are really doing it. We are taking the biggest step that one can take in a fertility journey. We are moving forward with IVF. We call and cancel our consultation with the clinic in Minnesota based on our positive experience today in Gurnee. We are about an hour and a half from home and my phone starts dinging with text after text after text. I look down and see a picture of my cousin in a store, holding a large coffee mug, with the caption that says “everything is bigger in Texas.” I knew her and her family were down in Texas for vacation. After a closer look, I can see that she is visually pregnant and all of the text messages are of my other family members: aunts & cousins, congratulating her on her pregnancy. She is a few years younger than me and this will be her second baby. She conceived her first child immediately after they started trying. My tears start falling at this point. Here I am … just learning that IVF is basically our only option to conceiving and finally being at peace about that (and actually excited), and then here is someone who is pregnant again, younger than me, and had no issues conceiving again and making her announcement, just hours after us signing our agreement to continue with IVF. The wind was knocked out of my sails. I tried to explain to Kyle why I was crying. I cried because I was hurt that I was included in what I felt like was an insensitive text announcing a pregnancy. I felt like the announcement was made in a humorous fashion and taken very lightly. Pregnancy and conceiving was anything but light to me. How can a journey to pregnancy be so different for two people? I was jealous of the congratulations she was getting, and I longed to have those be messages to me. Kyle tried to cheer me up, and eventually I was able to muster up my own congratulations to her, and I tried to push the hurt out of my head.

634 Days In – 3/27/19: This is cycle day three and the day I’m supposed to start Follistim if I’m going to continue with my IUI cycle of injectables only, as we had originally planned before our IVF consult with Dr. Irani. I’m torn. Dr. Irani at the IVF clinic said if I do choose to move forward with this IUI cycle and it fails, I risk the chance of delaying starting IVF the next month if I have any cysts like I encountered last time. On the other hand, my mind goes to the thousands of dollars of meds in my refrigerator for this 4th IUI cycle and how maybe, just maybe, it could be our magical cycle. I’m rushed to make a decision because the first day of shots needs to be completed today if I’m going to move forward with the IUI. Kyle supports whatever decision I go with. After phone calls to the Kaldas Center and emails back and forth with Dr. Irani, we decide to proceed with triggering ovulation this cycle and doing timed intercourse only (no injections of Follistim and no IUI). I feel like at least we are giving ourselves some chance, although minimal, of not wasting this entire cycle and then we still stand the chance to move forward with IVF next month if this cycle fails. A huge piece of IVF is the medications required in the process. At this point, I’ve done research and have had multiple specialty pharmacies quote the medications list that I’ve been provided from AFCC. I know in the next few weeks it’ll be time to place that order.

640 Days In - 4/2/19: The next step in moving forward with IVF is to have a hysteroscopy completed. Today is my hysteroscopy procedure at AFCC. The procedure is done using a hysteroscope, which is a thin, lighted tube that is inserted into the vagina to examine the cervix and inside of the uterus. Kyle and I make our way down to the clinic to have this procedure performed (I’m getting very good at working in the car so as to not lose so much time from work). Again, I’ve done my research and hear the horror stories of the pain that is often endured with this procedure and the bleeding that can occur. It’ll be worth it, I convince myself. As the procedure is taking place, they eventually tell me that I’m just about done. What? Really? That wasn’t bad at all! I’m told all looks good and we can proceed with treatment upon the start of my next cycle. Kyle also provided a sample today so that AFCC could make sure that everything was adequate enough to make the embryos after my egg retrieval.

642 Days In - 4/4/19: I’m doing another follicle check at the Kaldas Center today to see when they recommend I use my last trigger shot. They instruct me to trigger on 4/7/19. This is our official last cycle before moving to IVF.

647 Days In - 4/9/19: We leave for our cruise in just a few days. We’ve had this booked for months now and leading up to the trip, we’ve had in the back of our minds that we could possibly have to (and that we would) cancel this trip if it meant interfering with our fertility cycle. Today I am getting some last-minute items for our trip. I receive a follow up call from my dedicated nurse at AFCC just touching base on our upcoming cycle. She’s already provided our “tentative” IVF schedule. I say “tentative” because the schedule will ultimately depend on my body and when my next cycle decides to start. When that cycle starts, the wheels start spinning and all of the planning starts getting executed and must be followed precisely. I mention to her that we leave for New York on Friday morning and will be there until Sunday. On Sunday we then board our cruise ship and won’t return until the following Sunday. She asks “do you have the capability to fly home at any given point should your cycle start earlier than we planned?” I stop doing what I’m doing. I play out the scenario in my head … I mean while we are in New York, it’ll be easy to get a flight back, if necessary. After that though, we are going to be in the middle of the ocean for a few days, then on a tiny island in the middle of the ocean, and then in the middle of the ocean again for the last few days. The other kicker is that we HAVE to call AFCC the first day of my next cycle to help them prepare for our treatment that month. When you’re in the middle of the Atlantic, reception is spotty, at best. My heart races … I’ll figure it out, if needed. I tell her yes, we will make it work (I’m thinking helicopter at this point, if needed … really, a girl going through an IVF cycle will make it work). Before I hang up, I ask her – do you recommend that I have my medications in hand for the upcoming cycle before I leave for our trip (since we’ll essentially be gone for 10 days and when we return, my cycle day one could be any day and we HAVE to have the meds for Day 1). She advises that yes, I need those meds before I leave Friday morning. I call the pharmacy that I’ve received the best pricing from and tell them I’m ready to move forward with ordering my medications for my upcoming cycle. I make my payment for $4,430.81. This is for the meds alone – and nope, insurance doesn’t cover any of it. The meds will be shipped via overnight since they will be packaged in a cooler shipping container as a few of them need to stay refrigerated. They are scheduled to arrive on Thursday – the day before we leave for our trip.

649 Days In - 4/11/19: There’s a big snowstorm today – seems to be the trend the last few years – one big April snowstorm. I’m working from home today and checking out the window every so often to see if the FedEx truck is coming so that I can accept my shipment (and so my medications don’t sit on the porch and freeze). It’s now 3:30 pm and I still haven’t received my shipment of $4,000+ in medications. I’m starting to get anxious. I call the specialty pharmacy just to ensure it was shipped out – they confirm it was. I then call FedEx and wait on hold for a while as customer service tries to track down the driver that would be delivering to our area. She eventually returns to the line and says that due to the weather, they won’t be able to complete the delivery today, but they will certainly try again tomorrow. I begin crying immediately. I plead with her and explain that tomorrow is absolutely not an option. I am picturing them tossing my almost $4,500 in medications in the warehouse where they thaw out and go to waste, or worse yet, stay on the truck overnight and freeze. In addition, we need to leave for the airport by 3:30am the next morning. I am in a complete panic. I finally convince them to notify me immediately when that shipment arrives back to their warehouse – about an hour away. I call my parents crying and tell them what’s going on. They offer, without hesitation, to go pick up my medication and drive it to my house that night. I call FedEx back, we go over authorizations and who will be making the pick-up, and I can finally breathe relief when my parents call to tell me they have everything in hand and are on their way. When they arrive, they are carrying a huge styrofoam cooler-like box. It’s filled with pills, shots, needles, syringes, sharps containers, and more. It is by far the most intimidating shipment I’ve ever received. I organize it as best I can and place it all in the refrigerator where it’ll wait for me until I return from my trip. You’ll never second guess your refrigerators ability to function and run for 11 straight days without issue (while you’re out of the country) more until you place $4,430.81 of medication in it. Here’s to hoping the Maytag does its job.

652 Days In - 4/14/19: New York is a fun experience and we explored as much as we could in our three days there. Today we board our cruise ship to Bermuda. We are in the midst of a timed intercourse cycle after having triggered a few days ago. While we are excited and empowered that IVF could be just a few short weeks away. We are cautiously optimistic that this could be the month we conceive without such drastic efforts.

657 Days In - 4/19/19: We are literally in the middle of the ocean, heading back to New York from a beautiful stay in Bermuda. I notice some slight spotting. I immediately panic and think no – this can NOT be the start of my cycle. I’m in the middle of the ocean, there is a storm moving through the Atlantic (the ship had to actually change course to try and avoid it) and there is literally no way I can get to the states any sooner than the speed we’re traveling now. Then, it stops. I don’t see any more bleeding … until tomorrow. On Saturday the same thing … just a little bit of blood. My attitude changes – could this be … implantation bleeding? My heart skips a beat. The only other time I’ve had this amount of blood and had it occur just a week or so before my usual cycle end date, was when I had implantation bleeding with my first pregnancy. I’m pregnant! I know it! I find Kyle and tell him - “I just know it … I’m pregnant.” He tries to be positive and supportive, but I’m overly confident at this point. The rest of the trip is just as wonderful and we get home late on Sunday night.

660 Days In - 4/22/19: It’s Monday today and we are getting organized from our long trip away. I take a pregnancy test today … and tomorrow … and the next day. I roll my eyes with the first one, as if to say, come on Clear Blue, don’t be packaging a dysfunctional pregnancy test in my package. My confidence starts to fade when the negatives continue for the next few days and then my body confirms what the tests have been telling me when on Thursday my cycle day one starts in full force.

663 Days In - 4/25/19: Today is the day. It’s officially the first day of my IVF cycle. I’m pumped up and ready to go. I make the call to AFCC to tell them it’s go-time and they schedule us for the next day to do our baseline labs and ultrasound. I have my medications waiting for me in the refrigerator and today I start watching the videos that they’ve provided that go through how to inject each type of medication. Having never done any education outside of business courses, I’m nervous about making sure I draw them and inject them perfectly. I watch and re-watch each of the videos and also go through the written instructions on administering them.

664 Days In – 4/26/2019: We are making our first trip of our real IVF cycle to Gurnee, IL today and we couldn’t be more excited. When we get there, they draw my labs for: Estradiol, luteinizing hormone (LH), follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), Progesterone, and quantitative beta HCG. Once that’s finished, they do my ultrasound where they’ll count all follicles in each ovary (noting the number of follicles between 2mm-8mm), document the location of the ovaries, and document endometrial lining thickness and if a triple stripe is present. We are super excited to learn that I have 54 follicles on my right ovary and 24 follicles on my left ovary. These are amazing numbers to be working with during an IVF cycle. We head home with our hearts and minds just overflowing with excitement and information. The nurse calls me on my way home to go over my lab results and the medication schedule for the next three days. Between 6:00-8:00pm today I inject 225 Units of Follistim.

665 Days In - 4/27/19: I take my medications as instructed today. At 6:55am I inject 100 Units of Follistim and then again at 7:00pm I inject another 125 Units of Follistim.

666 Days In – 4/28/19: Today is my friend’s Wedding Shower. Before the day gets started, I inject 100 Units of Follistim It’s a nice day spent with friends as we celebrate her upcoming wedding and use the day to catch up with everyone. When the shower festivities are over, we head to my friend’s parents house to continue the celebration, where I also meet up with Kyle. The day turns into evening and I’m starting to keep a close eye on the time as I need to make sure I’m injecting my Follistim at precisely the right time (which is sitting at home in the refrigerator). We chat about getting dinner, and I’m torn on how we can make dinner with our friends work, while also making sure I take my injection when needed. We decide that I’ll drop Kyle off at the restaurant, run home and do the injections that are required, and then meet up with everyone afterwards. It’s amazing how a simple injection of medication can really control your entire schedule and social life when you’re going through IVF. I successfully inject 125 Units of Follistim at 7:05pm and then head back to meet up with my friends and Kyle. My nurse also called today to instruct me that I am to get labs drawn tomorrow and also do an ultrasound to count the number of follicles and the size of the follicles. She will then give me my next set of instructions.

667 Days In – 4/29/19: I head to Appleton Medical Center to have my Progesterone, LH, and Estradiol labs drawn. I then head straight to the Kaldas Center for my ultrasound. Kyle and I are anxious to see how everything has progressed since our IVF cycle started 5 days ago. The ultrasound tech finds that I have 23 follicles on the right size and 10 are measuring at 8mm or more and I have 21 follicles on the left side and 5 are measuring at 8mm or more. Great news! We head home and I wait patiently for my nurse to call with my next set of instructions. When I see that familiar Illinois number ringing through, I answer and document exactly what she tells me. She gives me instructions for my medications that day and the next day as well and instructs me to return for labs and monitoring in two days. At 6:45 pm tonight I inject 175 Units of Follistim.

668 Days In – 4/30/19: Today I add HCG and Ganirelix to my injections list. As ordered, I inject 75 Units of Follistim at 6:55am, 75 more Units of Follistim at 7:45pm, and then at 7:52 pm I inject 7 units of HCG. She instructs me to withdraw the HCG to the 5 and then withdraw 2 more units. I guess, second guess, and then confidently inject this newly introduced shot into what is the least sore spot around my belly button. At 9:57pm, I inject an entire prefilled syringe of Ganirelix. Every inch around my belly button is now tender, so I start using the fatty tissue on my thighs to give my belly some injection relief. Today is Day 6 of our IVF cycle and we’ve been told over and over again that starting on Day 6 we MUST have our purple sheet with us at ALL times – it’s our “egg retrieval details worksheet.” If our labs and ultrasound indicate I am ready for my surgery, this purple sheet will be filled out with very detailed instructions that are given over the phone. We need to be ready to take down all of the information at any moment starting today.

669 Days In – 5/1/19: It’s day 7 of our IVF cycle and I head in for my third set of labs and next ultrasound. Evidently my labs weren’t sent to AFCC until after the 12:00pm deadline, so I’m warned by my nurse that I need to get them drawn earlier so that the doctor has time to review them and give me real-time instructions for that day. I complete my labs early today at Appleton Medical Center and we then head to the Kaldas Center for a progress check on my follicles. Today we have 8 follicles greater than 8mm on the left (with 15 close behind) and 13 follicles greater than 8mm on the right (with 20 close behind). Fantastic numbers! My nurse calls me, like clockwork, that afternoon and I receive my medication instructions for tonight and am instructed to get labs completed tomorrow as well as another ultrasound. We are getting closer! At 6:45pm I inject 150 Units of Follistim. At 7:00pm I inject 7 Units of HCG. At 10:02pm I inject an entire shot of Ganirelex again. For those who know us, the 10:00pm shots are a doozy since they’re about 2 hours after our regular bedtime. It’ll all be worth it though!

670 Days In – 5/2/19. It’s day 8 of our IVF cycle and I once again drive to Appleton Medical Center to get my labs drawn and then to the Kaldas Center for a follicle check. Everything is growing as it should be and we are getting closer to retrieval day. I take 108 Units, exactly, of Follistim at 8:00pm, 7 Units of HCG at 8:02pm, and an injection of Ganirelex at 10:00pm.

671 Days In – 5/3/19: It’s day 9 today of our IVF cycle and we proceed as we have the last few days. My ovaries are getting huge as they make room for all of the growing follicles. The tech asks if she’s hurting me as she’s measuring the follicles since everything is so enlarged. I tell her she’s not. We are moving closer and everything is looking great. I get my call, on time, from my dedicated nurse about my upcoming instructions. We will need monitoring the next two days, for sure. It’s Friday today, and staff is VERY limited at the Kaldas Center on the weekends, so we advise that we will need to have our monitoring completed in Gurnee at AFCC this weekend. We make plans to spend the weekend in Gurnee, IL. She tells me to bring a new box of Pregnyl and an entire box of Lupron and that our ultrasound is scheduled for 8:00am tomorrow in Gurnee. It’s Day 9 today and our nurse is expecting that we will trigger tomorrow (Saturday) for our egg retrieval on Monday. I’m starting to get nervous but still very excited. I’ve read horror stories about the egg retrieval surgery and how painful it can be. I’m ready to face it though – bring it on! I inject 108 Units of Follistim at 6:55pm and 7 Units of HCG at 6:55pm. At 10:00pm, I inject my Ganirelex. We’ve been very open about this journey and our day to day activities with our parents, so to further include them on this huge event, we invite our moms to join us for the weekend in Gurnee, IL. We are excited to show them our facility, what the ultrasound entails, and then do some shopping while we are down there.

672 Days In - 5/4/19: It’s early … very early! Day 10 of my IVF cycle. I feel confident that I’ve packed all that I need and that I have every single medication that I need, including syringes, needles, and alcohol wipes. It’s critical that my medication stay refrigerated, so I also have a cooler with an ice pack to keep everything cool on the way down there and until we get to the hotel. We pick up Kyle’s mom at her house and head to Oshkosh to pick up my mom. It’s about 6:00am and for some reason I’m thinking about Follistim. I double check my cooler and panic sets in. I left this tiny little vial of medication in the refrigerator at home. Our moms and Kyle are asking if I’m sure, and I tell them yes, I’m absolutely sure. If we turn around now to go back and get it, we will certainly miss our appointment and it’s critical that we are there at precisely 8:00am because we are so close to retrieval that instructions are given by the hour at this point. I call AFCC and they provide a huge relief when they tell me they have extra on hand and that I just need to bring a replacement when I come back next time. Whew. We arrive at AFCC and proceed to the ultrasound room. The room is maybe 10 feet by 10 feet, but all four of us, plus the ultrasound tech, manage to squeeze in there. Our moms are full of questions as the tech takes her time explaining in detail what we are looking at and how the process works. During this process the tech repeatedly apologizes, as she believes she’s hurting me with the ultrasound wand due to the size of my ovaries at this point. I tell her I don’t feel any pain at all and she’s shocked. The follicles still seem a bit too small to really trigger ovulation today, as my nurse had originally guessed, and my ultrasound tech confirms that she too thinks I may need a day or two of meds yet and then I’ll be ready. We leave shortly after, under the impression that I’ll probably trigger Sunday or Monday for my egg retrieval to be on Tuesday or Wednesday. We head to breakfast and when I get back to the car, I have a missed call from my nurse already. Darnit – I hate when I miss her call. Kyle begins driving to Gurnee Mills, the huge shopping mall just down the road. It’s 9:30am now. We sit in the parking lot as my nurse goes over the reason for her call – she wants me to inject 50 units immediately of Follistim. “Now?” I ask. Yes, she says. It’s not the first time I did an injection in the truck, so here goes again. I inject the 50 Units of Follistim and am instructed to stay close to my phone as she’ll be calling soon with more instructions. We are walking through the mall and I look down and have another missed call from my nurse. Seriously, Angie?!? I frantically call her back and explain how I didn’t even hear it ring. She asks if I’m at Gurnee Mills, I tell her yes, and she says reception is horrible in there. She asks if I have my purple sheet with me. It’s time! I tell her I do, as I was told on cycle day 6 to never be without it, but that I’m in the middle of the mall and would she mind if I ran to my truck to get some place quiet as I write down my instructions? She patiently tells me yes. I call Kyle out of Bass Pro Shops and tell him to meet me at the truck. We get settled in and I call her back. “Doctor wants you to trigger tonight.” As if I know more than him, I tell her “but my follicles are way too small – I don’t feel like they’re ready.” She insists that he feels confident that tonight is the night. My trigger tonight will result in my egg retrieval being on Monday morning. We slowly and cautiously make our way through the purple “Egg Retrieval Details Worksheet.” I am nervous writing everything down, but she’s very patient and even repeats everything she says, without me asking, multiple times. I appreciate her attention to detail, and I’m sure she senses my anxiety on the other end of the line. She is on speaker phone so that Kyle can hear what she’s telling us too. We make our way through 18 lines of instructions on our purple sheet. Instructions include the medications needed tonight, Kyle’s instructions for donation, instructions for the surgery on Monday (time, when to stop eating/drinking, etc.), when our fertilization results will be shared, when our transfer will be, who will be doing my surgery, and when the anesthesiologist will be contacting me for discussion around my medical history. Line 17 states “Your Dr. anticipates _____ to _____ eggs be retrieved.” I am anxious about this line item when we arrive to it. In my head, I’m thinking 15 to 30 eggs are going to be retrieved…. After all, the girls in my IVF discussion boards all seem to have that many. She tells me to write a “5” and a “10” in there. “What? Only 5 to 10 eggs is what he’s thinking will be retrieved?” My heart sinks – in my mind that is SO low and then my head starts racing … what if we only get that many and then only 1 or 2 eggs fertilize and then what if none make it to a 3 day or a 5 day transfer?? I am beyond heartbroken. I ask “well what type of people get 20 or more eggs. I was really hoping for that many.” She answers “those girls are our 20-year-old egg donors.” “Oh,” I respond. At this point, I’m excited we are finally here, but a little devasted at their prediction of the surgery outcome. I hang up my phone after I confirm everything we’ve just went over and note that we need to be back to the clinic tomorrow (Sunday) for a bit more bloodwork before we head back home. It’s starting to really get warm outside, so I reach into my cooler to make sure everything is staying chilled as it needs to be. I feel my ice pack is starting to melt. “I need to get ice, Kyle. We won’t be to the hotel for a few more hours, and this medication HAS to stay cold.” I set out to make a makeshift ice pack to try and bring the temperature of my meds back down. After some quick thinking, I get some ziplock bags at Walmart and fill them with ice from Subways ice machine. Hopefully that works. I meet back up with everyone and we make our way to Prime Outlets that are near our hotel. Kyle and I enjoy the day with our moms – shopping, laughing, eating, etc. Throughout the day I notice how large my stomach has become. I literally look like I’m 5 months pregnant. Between the hormones, meds, and bloating, my stomach is uncomfortably large and tight. We make our way back to the hotel and say goodnight to them so that we can proceed with the 3 injections I need to complete at precisely 8:30pm and 9:30pm. What a day!

673 Days In – 5/5/19: It’s Day 11 of our IVF Cycle and mom and I are up early to get a walk in before our 8:00am appointment at AFCC a little later that morning. We pack up, head to AFCC, get a few last minute instructions and take my last two injections in my belly. I’m excited to give my stomach a rest from the injections. It’s now black and blue from bruises. We head back home and laugh about how we will turn around bright and early tomorrow morning to head right back to Gurney, IL so that we can do our retrieval. Again, it will all be worth it.

674 Days In – 5/6/19: Today is the day of our egg retrieval. In IVF world, this day is HUGE. I haven’t had anything to eat or drink since midnight. I’m too nervous to be hungry or thirsty though. Kyle and I cannot wear any scented lotions, perfumes, or colognes today and my fingernail polish needs to be completely removed. I’m anxious on our three-hour drive there. We get there early, too early, as usual (that’s Kyle for you) and now we sit and wait in the parking lot. I take a few laps around the lot to try and relax. We head in at 7:00am. The nurse welcomes us and takes us to my patient room where I change into my hospital gown. She draws my blood, asks me a bunch of questions, and then instructs me to wait for the anesthesiologist to come and talk to me. The whole being “put under” is what has me so anxious. It scares me to be controlled by one human and have my life in their hands. You literally have no control of what is going on or when you’ll wake up. Stop over thinking it, Angie, I tell myself. He introduces himself to me and calls me by the wrong name. Queue the even higher anxiety. Oh my gosh, he can’t even print off the correct paperwork for his patients – what if he gives me the wrong dose or doesn’t fully understand what I’m here for! Chill … he finally gets everything straightened out and goes over what will be occurring very shortly. When he leaves, Kyle and I sit there patiently waiting. It’s time …. They wheel me back to the surgery room and shortly after they come and get Kyle to collect his sample. When we get in the surgery room it is hot – like really hot in there. I ask what the reasoning for that is and she explains that the eggs that are retrieved need to remain at body temperature, hence the reason for the hot room. The surgery will involve them taking a long needle through my vagina to retrieve as many eggs as possible. They begin by aspirating the fluid in the follicles through the needle where the eggs then detach from the follicle. The goal is to get as many mature eggs as possible – which in my case they’re anticipating they’ll get 5 to 10. They guide my legs up on huge holsters and position me next to the ultrasound machine. Staff are bustling around preparing everything for the surgery. Soon they tell me they’re going to start administering the anesthesia. My heart starts racing just as I am put under. “You’re all done, Angie. Everything went well.” I feel them wheeling me back to my room where Kyle is waiting with a big smile. He told me before I was wheeled out that he’s excited to see how I act and what I say. I roll my eyes when I see his big grin on his face. I whisper to him that I’m in a lot of pain. The cramping right now is really, really extreme and I’m super uncomfortable. The nurse comes in to check on me and asks me how I’m feeling. I tell her about the pain and as he sits in his chair Kyle says out loud to her and I … “Angie, I think you’re fine.” The nurse and I both look at him like “oh no he did NOT just say that!” Here I am, just out of surgery, sitting on an operating bed with a hospital gown on and he’s telling me from his cozy chair, dressed in his jeans and sweatshirt that he thinks I’m fine. The nurse proceeds to get me some Tylenol saying “you really shouldn’t be in that much pain as they were anticipating we’d get 5 to 10 eggs from you.” Gee, thanks…l say in my head. Thank you for discarding my feelings of pain right now and basically telling me that with 5 to 10 eggs retrieved, the pain shouldn’t be THAT bad. Ugh. She tells me she’s just going to double check that that was truly the final number retrieved. A few minutes later she pops her head back and says “wow, ok – so you actually had 18 eggs retrieved and that explains why you’re in so much pain.” WOOHOO – 18 eggs?!?! I am beyond excited at this and can totally accept the pain for 18 eggs! I can roll with those 20-year-old egg donors after all, I tell Kyle. He just laughs. The nurse makes me drink some water and eat what tastes like the driest crackers in the world before releasing us from the clinic. It’s hard to walk at this point, and I’m annoyed that Kyle had to park on the other end of the parking lot. Seriously – I’d take a dent in my truck any day if it means I had less distance to walk after this surgery. I’m instructed to take it easy the rest of the day and eat warm, liquid foods. The ride home drags on – three hours in a vehicle after having a needle inserted in your vagina to suck out 18 eggs is not fun. When we get to town, we wait in the pharmacy drive through to get my pain meds, where we learn that it’ll be a 15-minute wait. Forget it, I say, and we head home for some tomato soup and mashed potatoes. The rest of the day is spent resting on the couch. I take two tablets of Doxycycline,16 mg of Medrol (methylprednisolone), and do my first Crinone 8% gel insert.

675 Days In – 5/7/19: It’s the day after our egg retrieval and although I’m still cramping, I feel much better. Today I am waiting for my nurse to call me to tell us our fertilization results. I am anxious. Although they retrieved 18 eggs, we don’t know how many of those eggs were mature, and of the mature ones, we don’t know how many actually fertilized. Yesterday before the surgery, Kyle and I opted to add ICSI to our protocol. ICSI, intracytoplasmic sperm injection, is the process where the egg is individually injected with a single, best sperm. This essentially bypasses the stage where the sperm and egg are placed in a dish and the sperm needs to naturally penetrate the egg. ICSI is meant to increase our chance of fertilization. The number that fertilize will determine if we can do a Day 3 Transfer or a Day 5 Transfer. They say that Day 5 Transfers typically have better outcomes because the blastocyst/embryo has had more time to grow which results in better chances of implantation. We are also opting to do a Fresh Egg Transfer. We’ve done the research, and our doctor confirmed, that fresh and frozen egg transfers have very similar results. The Fresh Egg Transfer allows us to transfer the same cycle we do the retrieval, as long as I didn’t hyperstimulate from the meds, which fortunately, I did not. If we did a Frozen Transfer, then the embryos are frozen in the lab and thawed for any future cycle to be used. After 675 days on this journey, we were running out of patience and wanted to move as quickly as possible, hence the reason for the Fresh Transfer. The phone rings and it’s that familiar AFCC number. I answer – full of excitement and anxiety. The nurse tells me that of the 18 eggs retrieved, 17 of them were mature! They were able to put all 17 eggs through the ICSI process and 15 fertilized as a result. These are phenomenal results, and I am beyond excited to share with Kyle. As a result of these great numbers, she tells us we will be moving forward with a Day 5 Transfer. Even better news! Our embryo transfer is scheduled for this Saturday, 5/11 in Gurnee, IL. Today I start my PIO shots (Progesterone in oil shots). I’ve read so much about the PIO shots and how women absolutely dread these shots. I start with 2 ccs intramuscular tonight. I draw up the medicine with a special syringe and then remove that needle head and replace it with a 1 ½ inch, 22-gauge needle head. I ask Kyle to stretch out the section of skin just above my butt (the nurse has drawn a huge circle on both sides of my lower back with a permanent marker to help guide us) and I proceed to inject all 1 ½ inches of that needle. Kyle looks like he’s about to puke and says “oh my gosh – you’re going to pierce your organs!” I inject the medicine and withdraw the needle and he ends with “wow, you just took that like a champ.” Day one of PIO – this will continue every.single.day until I reach 13 weeks of pregnancy, if I do get so lucky to get pregnant from this IVF cycle. One down, dozens more to go. I also start my Estrace pills and restart my baby aspirin today, along with another Crinone 8% gel insert. I document exactly what medications I took and what injections I did in my notebook.

678 Days In - 5/10/19: I’m feeling great from my egg retrieval and have been reading and re-reading my medication instructions and following them precisely the last few days. There are 8 medications/shots to take every day this week. That’s a little intimidating for someone who has never been in the medical field, but I’m navigating as best I can. Tomorrow is transfer day.

679 Days In – 5/11/19: It’s Saturday and it’s transfer day! I would say this is the 2nd biggest day of the IVF cycle. Today they will transfer our top embryo to me. We will learn today how many embryos have survived the last 5 days (of course I called mid-week to see if they’d tell me how our babies were doing and they told me that “we won’t check on them because we don’t want to disrupt them.” It was worth a try!) and what the grades are of each embryo. Each embryo that has survived is given a three-digit grade, starting with a number and then two letters. The number indicates how developed the embryo is. The first letter after the number is the grade of the cells within the embryo. The last letter indicates the grade of the shell of the embryo. If you have a 5AA or a 6AA embryo, that is essentially a beautiful embryo. As we are driving to Gurnee, IL for the transfer, I’m passing time reading my IVF discussion boards and I’m seeing an overwhelming number of women commenting about their 5AA, 6AB, etc, embryos. Surely we have some AAs and ABs based on the volume of eggs we had fertilized, I think to myself. Before we arrive, Kyle and I confirm our game plan again – we are transferring ONE embryo today. Yup, we are still on the same page. We park in the dedicated surgery/transfer spot at AFCC and head in. The nurse brings us to our room again and asks that I change into the hospital gown - so much for cute pictures on transfer day. All of these other women who’ve posted about their transfer days have fun, matching t-shirts and sweatshirts with their spouses, and here I am – an open back hospital gown. Oh well – I guess it’s better to be as sterile as possible when you’re having an embryo transfer. Kyle and I are escorted back to the room where the transfer will be conducted. There are people hustling and bustling around, with loads of technology roared up and ready to go. I’m thankful our same doctor, Dr. Irani, will be performing our transfer. I get situated on the table and then it’s time. Time to learn how our 17 embryos have progressed and “who” we will be transferring today. I’m excited to hear all about the grading of our embryos as well. From behind a tiny little hole in the wall, almost like on the Wizard of Oz where the wizard peeks their head behind the curtain, I lady pops her head through a tiny wood door and hands our doctor a piece of paper. Oh my, this is an important piece of paper! Dr. Irani presents us with the results. He said we have 13 embryos still thriving and growing. We have lost 4 over the past 4 days. He proceeds to tell us that our best graded embryo for today is a 3BC. I ask him to repeat it. “It’s a 3BC.” I immediately start crying. Kyle is beyond confused with me – “Angie, why are you crying?” he asks. “A 3BC!?! I exclaim … I feel like everyone always gets A’s and our best is a 3BC?!?” In an effort to calm me down, the doctor tells us that a 3BC is a VERY good quality embryo and that their grading scale is extremely strict at AFCC. I believe that the scale there is stricter compared to other labs based on the ratings of this facility, however I am still devastated. The nurse then chimes in and says “I really don’t remember the last time we had an “A” transferred here.” Sure, I think …. Like you can’t remember if it was at 10:00am yesterday or 3:00pm yesterday? Ok, Ang, lose the attitude. I try to stop the tears … then I notice Dr. Irani is holding a picture of TWO of our embryos in his hands. Panicking again, I say “why are you holding two… you talked us into just doing one … do you want us to do two now?” not even pausing for breath between my stream of questions to him. “No, I’m not saying that … I was just showing that if you wanted to do two, here would be the two we transfer.” Now I’m frantic – I mean why would this man be holding two if he wasn’t recommending two. The doctor goes on to explain that we have a 40% chance of getting pregnant if we transfer one. He explains that if we transfer two, we have a 60% chance of getting pregnant with one and a 30% chance of getting pregnant with two. I look and Kyle and he says “Ok, let’s do two.” “TWO!?!?” I exclaim, “we’ve been saying one all this time.” “Ok,” he says, “let’s just do one.” Now I’m confused. “Kyle, what do you REALLY think?” I ask. At this point, the doctor tells us he’s going to step outside and give us a few minutes. The nurse and the other staff members do the same. The embryologist behind the little wooden door peeks her head back into the lab and Kyle and I are left alone to decide our possible future. “Let’s do two,” he says. I ask him why all of a sudden he’s changing his mind after what we’ve agreed upon the last month or so. “Ok, one.” I plead with him to just give the final answer. “Let’s do one, Angie….it’s our first time. The doctor told us during our consult meeting that transferring two can present lots of potential risks for both mom and baby.” I agree with him. Let’s do one. The doctor peeks his head back in and we tell him we are ready and would like to proceed with one. He is pleased with our decision. I’m still emotional at this point, and the nurse, bless her heart, takes my hand and holds it through the entire process. The doctor opens the little wooden door and tells the embryologist on the other side that Sonnenberg will be proceeding with one. He then begins to position the long tube into the uterus that the embryo will eventually travel through. We can see the tube positioned inside by viewing the ultrasound machine that is next to us. A tv on the wall turns on. It is a white screen that has some writing on it “Sonnenberg, A / IVF-19-355”. This is the identification number of our embryo. Then we see a tiny, opaque circle on the screen. One of the staff points out to us that that is our embryo. We see a tiny little suction tool begin to suck up the embryo, gathering the fluid in what we now realize is a close up of our petri dish. I feel like she’s poking at our embryo a little rough, so I question the staff if it always takes that long for the embryo to release from the dish and into the suction. They explain that the embryologist also has to suck up just the right amount of fluid from the dish before the embryo can be taken so that the embryo is easily released into the uterus. Ok, that makes sense. We eventually see the embryo is completely off of the screen, indicating that it is in the suction tool. The embryologist positions it under a microscope and verifies that the embryo is indeed in the tube. The doctor is positioned and ready to receive the tube through the little wooden door. The other staff are also in place. The little wooden door opens and the embryologist hands over a tiny little tube, carrying our potential future baby. “Transferring one for Sonnenberg,” she announces. A staff member takes it from her and immediately hands it to the doctor where we watch the ultrasound machine as the embryo is inserted into the tube and pushed into place in the uterus. What a phenomenon. We are able to see perfectly that the embryo is where it needs to be. The tube is handed back to the embryologist who then closes the door to examine the tube to make sure the embryo has indeed exited it. She makes an announcement that the tube is clean. The transfer is a success. Kyle is handed a piece of paper where he needs to give his signature stating that he agrees that one Sonnenberg Embryo had been transferred. I am instructed to lay there for a few minutes. They then wheel the bed back into my clinic room where I lay there for another twenty minutes. Instructions for transfer require that you arrive with a full bladder and that you remain with a full bladder for the entire transfer. At this point I still haven’t used the restroom and the nurse asks if I need a bed pan. No, I smile, I will be fine. The nurse gives us our exit instructions and tells me that I can absolutely not get off the couch today except to use the restroom. She tells Kyle that I am to be served my meals in a laying down position. I ask, what if I need to use the restroom on our three-hour drive home. She tells Kyle that he needs to get THE closest parking spot to the restroom at whatever gas station we choose if I were to have to stop. Ok, point taken. We head home and I spend the rest of the day on the couch. I’ve already taken two of my 5 medications today and at 2:30 pm and 7:20 pm, I take the rest. Transfer Day completed. Now we wait. We are scheduled for a blood draw on Monday, May 20th to see if we are pregnant. Today starts a 9 day wait to see if what we’ve been hoping and praying for the last 679 Days comes true.

680 Days In – 5/12/19: It’s day one after my Transfer. I feel great. The Transfer itself is quite painless – it just carries A LOT of emotion with it. It’s Mother’s Day today. I really, really struggled with Mother’s Day last year as I should have been 28 weeks pregnant at the time. I feel slightly less sad on this year’s Mother’s Day. It’s still hard to scroll through social media and watch new moms and long-ago moms boast about what a special day it is and how amazing their children are. I don’t mean to have a bad attitude about it, but it’s hard. It’s hard knowing that some of these women never wanted children, but here they are. It’s hard knowing that some of these women “never even tried to get pregnant” but there they are with their children. It’s hard knowing that some got pregnant their first month trying, and there they are. Then there’s us. We’ve been hoping and praying for 680 days that we too could be blessed with our own sweet, living baby. I take comfort today knowing that we’ve done everything we possibly can to make that dream a reality. My parents ask if they can come up and visit ME. Wow – shouldn’t I be making the effort to go see mom myself? I did give her a heads up that I really wanted to have a low-key day so as not to disrupt anything from the prior day’s transfer, and of course, like she always is, she’s completely understanding. Her thought … Angie can’t come to me, so we’ll come to her. I coordinate lunch with my parents and Kyle’s mom and her husband. We spend a nice lunch together and share with them all of the details of yesterday’s events. In the IVF world, we use terms like __DP__DT …. I had to google what women meant when they used those terms. After some exploration, I learned that today I am 1DP5DT. In basic terms … I am 1 day post a 5 day embryo transfer. On 9DP5DT is when we get our beta drawn to see if we are pregnant or not. Until then though, us IVF women say we are PUPO. We are “pregnant until proven otherwise.” I complete my 5 doses of medication, including my PIO shot, which by the way, I’m getting pretty quick at (Kyle is a good “skin stretcher” too) and we call it a night.

682 Days In – 5/14/19: It’s freeze day. Today we will learn how many of our remaining embryos will make it to the freeze stage. When we left Gurnee on Saturday, we had 12 embryos left (we had 13 to begin with that day and I have one inside of me). I had to travel to Milwaukee today for work, so it’s been a long day of trying to be work focused while also anxiously awaiting that phone call. When I’m in Milwaukee, at one point, I feel a gush. I excuse myself to the restroom, and I’m scared to see that I’m bleeding, quite a bit. I’m immediately annoyed that I made the 2.5 hour drive down here today, so soon after my transfer. I clean myself up, put on a new pad, and hope the meetings today fly by. Around 1:30pm, I say goodbye to my leader and coworkers and make the drive back. About an hour and a half later, the nurse FINALLY calls to give me my results. She tells me that we have four embryos going to freeze. I won’t lie, I was a little disappointed. From twelve to four seemed like a big drop. She explains to me that from Day 5 to Day 7 they see a lot of embryos arrest and that only the strongest survive. Survival of the fittest, I suppose. I ask her what the grades of our four frozen embryos are, and she shares: 4BB, 4CB, 4CB, and 3CC. It’s crazy to think that these could be the brother(s) or sister(s) of the embryo that I’m hoping and praying is still thriving inside of me. I complete my medications of Synthroid, Estrace, and Progesterone today. The spotting has continued, much lighter than earlier, throughout the day. I’m anxious about what that could be mean. I chalk it up to having put my body through a lot the last few days, including a surgery.

683 Days In – 5/15/19: I am 4DP5DT today (4 days post a 5 day transfer). I’m at a meeting and I feel more blood. I have a quick sting of panic again. My meeting concludes and I once again find a restroom to take care of the blood. Oh the stress! Today is my first blood draw since my transfer. They’ll check my Estrodial and Progesterone levels to make sure that the doses of medication I am on are sufficient. When you go through an egg retrieval, many of the pregnancy hormones are removed from your body when the eggs are retrieved, therefore IVF women need to supplement those hormones with pills and shots. These levels are constantly fluctuating, so my reproductive endocrinologist keeps a very close eye on my levels to see if he needs to adjust my meds. I get my blood drawn and the nurse calls me a few hours later. My Estradiol was quite low, so we’re increasing the number of Estrace pills I need to take. I ask if she’s concerned and she tells me that there should be no need to worry as long as I precisely follow the instructions and absolutely do not miss a dose. The spotting stops as the day goes on, and I’m so relieved.

684 Days In – 5/16/19: I am 5DP5DT today. More bloodwork just to verify my levels. I get my labs drawn and wait for the nurse to call. I adjust my medications as directed. I have been taking life very easy these past few days. I’ve been doing some very, very slow walks outside to keep the blood flowing (I read that helps). I’ve been avoiding anything strenuous, including lifting, per the clinic’s orders. I complete my list of meds, including my injection at 5:00pm, and have a relaxing evening with Kyle.

685 Days In – 5/17/19: 6DP5DT today. It’s Friday today, the weekend starts tomorrow, and then Monday is THE big day. Monday I go in for my next blood draw where they’ll also check for “Quantitative Beta HCG.” When I read that on the “Laboratory Requisition Form” my clinic emails me, I can’t help but feel super anxious. Monday is our make or break day. Monday determines if our last 685 Days of worry and our IVF cycle is a success. It’s hard to think about anything else but the outcome of Monday.

686 Days In: 5/18/19: 7DP5DT on this Saturday. I’ve made up my mind that I’m going to test early. I do NOT want to be told I’m pregnant (or not pregnant) via a nurse over the phone on Monday. That’s too many emotions wrapped into a phone call. Tomorrow, Sunday, will be the day. I try to keep myself busy today, knowing that our fate will be decided in less than 24 hours. I follow my medication orders to a “T”, documenting to the minute, as I have the last few months, the exact time I take each medication and injection. I’m nervous going to bed tonight, because I know when I wake up, it’ll be time to test. I haven’t shared with Kyle that I’m planning to test early. We also have two Birthday Parties tomorrow. The outcome of tomorrow morning will determine if I’m bummed for the day (well, much longer than that), or if I’m gleaming with happiness.

687 Days In: 5/19/19: 8DP5DT and it’s raining outside. I’m lying in bed with my heart racing. I HATE how scared I am right now. I’ve always read that you are to take a pregnancy test with your first morning urine. I think to myself, as long as you’re laying here yet, you’re still safe. Safe from knowing a potentially heartbreaking reality. In my mind, I’m still PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise), and I will be, as long as I’m still in bed. It’s the moment that the First Response Early Detection Pregnancy Test concludes its analysis that determines if I’m not longer PUPO. Just do it, Angie. I muster up the courage to drag myself to the bathroom and reach for that pregnancy test, as I have SO many times before. Between ovulation tests and pregnancy tests, I bet I’ve paid for an entire worker’s salary at the Clear Blue warehouse. Today I opt for the First Response test. I am told that if you’re pregnant, even a very early pregnant, the First Response, with the pink lines, are going to discover it. I unpackaged the test, trying to be discreet about it so Kyle doesn’t hear. I read the package and directions, even though I know full well EXACTLY what needs to be done. In the back of my mind though, I always think, what if the instructions changed or what if I don’t perform the test 100% accurately and it shows I’m not pregnant, but I really am. I’ve been in the bathroom for a while now. It’s time. I complete the test as instructed and watch the liquid move across the screen. My heart is beating out of my chest, and I don’t know whether to watch it or look away. The instructions always say you have to wait three minutes. Three minutes feels like a lifetime in pregnancy test world! I have my phone with me and after what I know has truly been three minutes, I know it’s time to face the facts. I turn my head, so slowly, as if to assume that it may turn from a negative to a positive, if that is indeed my fate, during the slow head turn. Two pink lines….and not even a faint pink line…. like a solid, blazing pink line. My heart leaps. This is it. I’m pregnant! I hesitate for a second wondering if by testing a day early, are the trigger shots still in my system (they have HCG in them) and causing this second pink line?? Nah, that was weeks ago. I walk out of the bathroom, proudly carrying this little device, and hand it to Kyle. He just stares at it. I get it. I know what it’s like to be so cautiously optimistic. He gives me a smile and we both soak in the fact of what this gadget is telling us. I ask him about the HCG from the shots we’ve done and he starts Googling. He does the math and says there’s no way it can still be in my system based on the dosage and the timestamp of the doses. If you would have told me when I met him that Kyle would have become an expert on fertility medications and their effects on the female body, I would have laughed. Seriously though, he is so confident in what he knows, and he has sent me screenshot after screenshot of facts and observances that he’s researched throughout this entire process. The guy knows his IVF stuff. I’m on top of the world. I’ve proven that I really am PUPO and that I will NOT be proven otherwise. I float through the rest of the day as we attend our parties. Only our parents and my sister really know the timeline of everything, so there’d be no chance of anyone else even considering we’re pregnant today. That’s ok. It’s fun to have such an intimate secret with only your husband. It’s a great day!

688 Days In – 5/20/19: My beta draw is today. I’m mostly confident as I make my hour drive to the hospital to have my labs drawn. I say mostly, because you really want your beta to be above 50. That is the threshold for a safe beginning pregnancy HCG level. I complete my labs and go about my day, still thrilled about my result from yesterday, and just a tad nervous about what the number will be today. I login to the MyThedaCare portal multiple times just seeing if my results have been uploaded from this morning’s draw. FINALLY! It’s there….. 189.2! What a beautiful, big number! I am beyond relieved and immediately call Kyle with the news! A few hours later my phone rings with the Gurnee, IL stamp on it. Assuming it’s my nurse to call me with the HCG results (and my Estradiol/Progesterone stats), I calmly answer. It’s Dr. Irani. He never calls me. He asks if I’ve seen the good news, in a very excited tone (I didn’t know this man ever got excited, so I smiled about that). I feel like I totally, totally burst his bubble when I respond “yes.” “Oh,” he says, “you did?” I confessed to him that I tested yesterday. I feel like I knocked the wind right out of his sails, because I could tell he was SO excited to share with me our outcomes… our output of so much hard work, time, and emotion … his hard work as well. Nonetheless, he was excited. He shared his congratulations and instructed that the nurse would be reaching out with my next doses of medication. And who says Mondays aren’t amazing? I take my Progesterone shot and other medication pills, as prescribed, in the evening.

692 Days In - 5/24/19: When you have a confirmed pregnancy via an HCG draw, you must then have your blood work checked a few days later to confirm that it’s progressing as it should. The ideal scenario is that the HCG doubles every 48 hours. It’s been 4 days since my first quantitative blood draw and today is my second. I am nervous. Very nervous. Against Kyle’s advice, I’ve read through so many stories of women having a nice initial beta but then finding later that the numbers aren’t doubling like they should be…. which many times can end up devastating with a miscarriage of some sort. I drive to the hospital, as I have so many times before, and try to contain my composure. I check in for my “walk-in blood draw” and stand in the waiting room. “Angela,” a lab tech yells through the waiting room. I follow her back and take a seat where she directs me to. My heart is racing. She seems to be having issues finding my doctor in the system. I explain that if she can’t find him, she can put the results under Dr. Kaldas and that the Kaldas Center will ensure my results make their way back to my IVF clinic. Hurdle surpassed. She’s now struggling to find the labs that I need drawn in her system. I’ve had it drawn so many times before, in fact, just days ago. It’s Estradiol, Progesterone, and HCG …. again. She’s just not finding it. I am so anxious at this point. “Can you look at how the lady did it on Monday when I was here – it’s the exact same thing for today.” She tries, but she isn’t getting it. She calls for assistance and together, her and another lady navigate through my lab order and all seems to be situated in the system. The second lady walks away. I have tears streaming down my face when the tech turns around, about ready to clean my arm with an alcohol pad and prep my vein for the blood draw. I am so anxious and the output of this HCG draw today is so critical. I have calculated the number I need it to be at a million times in my head. She looks at me, and I instantly see that I made her feel bad. I explain to her that I’m here to check my HCG levels because I’m pregnant and that I really, really need it to have doubled, twice, since Monday. She may or may not understand what I’m saying, but nonetheless, she changes the subject. She tells me she has a guy coming over today to fix her air conditioning unit. Her kindness in trying to divert attention from my read, tear stained face, is much appreciated. She finishes the blood draw and I’m relieved to get out of there. On the way home, I calculate once again what I need for numbers. I need to see those numbers at 756.8 or higher, based on the number of days since Monday and the outcome of Monday. I’m surprised I don’t break the Thedacare online portal with how many times I login that day to check. Monday’s results were posted within an hour and a half. I check at 30 minutes, 60 minutes, an hour and a half, two hours, etc. today. Ok Angie, it could be one of two things, I tell myself. The lab tech either did it wrong and never sent in the results (or ordered the wrong lab) OR the number is so high that it’s just taking a while to count (I know, it doesn’t work like that, but I’m trying to stay positive). FINALLY – it’s there! 1,708 is the result. Oh my goodness! I take a huge sigh of relief and call Kyle with the results. It’s going to be a great Memorial Day Weekend! When we head up to my family’s cottage, we have a sign ready that includes our due date and a picture of our embryo that was successfully growing. We share it with my family that evening. I end the evening with my nightly injection and my prescribed doses of Estradiol and Metformin. The Sunday before Memorial Day, Kyle and I head home early to share the news with his mom and her husband.

706 Days In - 6/7/2019 – We are 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant today (6w4d). Today is our first ultrasound and our hearts are pounding out of our chests. We want so badly to see the heartbeat. When we get to the ultrasound room, the tech gets the dates of our retrieval and transfer for IVF and confirms that we are 6w4d. To prepare us, she says that sometimes heartbeats don’t appear until 6w5d and that if we do not have a heartbeat today, we will recheck in a few days. I could seriously puke at this time – my anxiety shoots through the roof, and I am just praying to goodness that we see that heartbeat today, because I can’t imagine waiting a few more days to recheck. There it is! A strong heartbeat of 109 beats per minute (BPM). I also do lab work today to confirm that my Estradiol and Progesterone levels are still where they need to be and that no medicine adjustments are needed. I end the day with my injection of Progesterone and other scheduled medications for this pregnancy.

713 Days In - 6/14/19: Today I go in for regularly scheduled lab work to once again confirm my Estradiol and Progesterone levels and adjust as needed.

720 Days In - 6/21/19: Today is our regularly scheduled 8-week appointment. I am feeling great about today’s appointment at the Kaldas Center, and I can’t wait to see how big baby has grown. The tech measures baby and he/she is measuring at 8 weeks, 5 days (8w5d) and has a heartbeat of 183-196 (she measures twice to confirm). After this reassuring and amazing news, we get to meet with one of the Kaldas Center doctors to go over our care plan for the rest of the pregnancy. I also have lab work at the hospital again today for Estradiol and Progesterone.

738 Days In - 7/8/19: Today I am experiencing some short, sharp pains in my side. I try not to stress about them, but the anxiety gets the best of me, and I call the Kaldas Center to ask if they can check on baby. The nurse who I speak to tells me that while the pain, cramps, and pinching are completely normal as your body makes room for baby, she also understands what I’ve been through and wants to ease my mind by letting me come in right away that afternoon for an ultrasound. Sure enough, she’s absolutely right, and I get to see our dancing baby up on the ultrasound screen again. Baby is measuring 5 days ahead with a strong heartbeat of 167 bpm. This is my first time ever having an ultrasound over the stomach where baby’s heartbeat and measurements are strong. I was very reluctant to have her use the doppler ultrasound machine because it brought back memories of January 8th, 2018 when a similar machine was used and no heartbeat was detected. I was beyond grateful to have today be just the opposite.

745 Days In - 7/15/19: Today is our regularly scheduled 12-week appointment. Even though I just saw baby a week ago, I’m still nervous. I want so badly for everything to continue to be going well. Kyle and I check in at the Kaldas Center and take a seat in the waiting room. We are called in a short while later and get to use their high-tech digital ultrasound machine, over the stomach, that then displays up on a screen for everyone to see. There baby is again – strong and growing perfectly. Today he/she is measuring ahead at 12 weeks and 3 days with an amazing heartbeat of 153 beats per minute. We also get to meet with one of the Kaldas Center doctors again today to answer any questions we have (Kyle see’s the word “nacho cheese” on my notebook of questions and asks that I don’t ask that question to the doctor) and to continue to get guidance on our plan of care during our pregnancy. It’s an overall great appointment. I get to discontinue my shots and most of my prescribed pregnancy medications on 7/21 – great news! We are excited today to have our picture taken together announcing our pregnancy.

Today: When our baby joins us in January, 2020, we will have been on this journey for 32 months. As a couple, Kyle and I have certainly grown closer. I thank God that was our outcome, as we have read stories of couples and relationships that aren’t able to stand the test of infertility, between the emotional (patience, understanding, an absolute requirement that both partners are on the same page and have the same desire to have a child), physical (changes in hormones, time lost from work, strict scheduling requirements that have to be adhered to), and financial strain, it is an extremely difficult path to navigate. We have learned more about pregnancy and infertility than most can even imagine. It really does consume every single aspect of your life and your relationship, and I’m thankful that we’ve come out stronger. Statistically, 60%-80% of couples trying to conceive will be successful in the first 6 months and 85% will conceive in the first year of trying. When you add on couples who weren’t planning to have children or who weren’t even trying and have successful pregnancies, that statistic becomes even more extreme and hard for those struggling with infertility to cope with.

As a result of all of this, trying to navigate infertility is a quiet and oftentimes lonely journey as couples have few resources and few people to reach out to for advice or questions on what to do next, or who to see now, or what procedures or medications to use. A quiet struggle that has constant, subtle reminders of the hardships when you see an announcement of a new pregnancy or new birth, movies or commercials with pregnant women or new births, an aisle filled with baby products, or an empty room in your home waiting to be filled with a baby and all of his/her things. Until you’ve been through it, you’ll never be able to fully grasp this life-altering journey. We’ve had a really, really amazing support system through all of this. While we didn’t expect that they could, they weren’t able to provide guidance or advice to us, but we are certain that they prayed for us and thought of us through every single step. That’s all a couple going through infertility needs – thoughts and prayers. You don’t have to have the answers and advice isn’t necessary, but a simple acknowledgment that you’re thinking of the couple navigating the journey or praying for them, means all the world. Life is busy – and everyone is dealing with something – but just remember that infertility is an effort – every.single.day. If you haven’t checked in with that couple in a while – it’s never too late. They’re still there and they’re still consumed by this journey.

In March of this year I vowed to start a nonprofit in light of the struggles a couple goes through when dealing with infertility. Between the lack of resources and the lack of permission space to talk about the topic (I’ve found it’s a very “hush-hush” topic), along with the financial burden of fertility treatments and medication, it can be debilitating. On May 21st, 2019 “Hope Against Infertility, Inc.” was officially incorporated. It is a tax exempt 501(c)(3) charitable organization and all donations are tax-deductible. In addition to merchandise sold and donations, funds will also be raised through two events each year. An annual 5K run/walk, along with raffles and prizes, will be held each Fall. In late Winter/early Spring there will be a formal dinner event where speakers will share their journey, along with raffles and prizes. All proceeds from the nonprofit will be used to help fund fertility treatments (IUI and IVF) and fertility medications for couples who are chosen through our application process.

To help support this cause, you can visit us at www.hopeagainstinfertility.org